Out of Sight
by thisloser
Summary: After Kakashi loses his memory, he has to deal with the life and the strange boyfriend he can't remember. Pairing: Kakashi/Gai established relationship
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** Out of sight

**Pairing:** Kakashi/Gai (established relationship)

**Rating:** M (for later chapters)

**Timeline:** post canon

**Summary:** After Kakashi loses his memory, he has to deal with the life and the boyfriend he can't remember.

**Warning:** WIP

**Notes:** I don't know if this story will survive here, since there'll be some graphic content later on. This is a story I've been working on for a while and it's about a few millimeters from being finished, so I'll give it another shot.

* * *

As they had promised, the dogs brought him to the village in less than a day. The big, dark one half carried him through the impressive gates and to the little watch post inside. "There we are," the ugly little pug announced, and subsequently shouted to the two dozing men on watch, "A little help here!"

He passed out then and there.

* * *

"If this was caused by a blow to the head," the blond young man said, scratching his chin, "then maybe we just have to whack him again and-," he brought his fist down onto the palm of his hand, presumably to illustrate his plan, "boom –he'll remember!"

"That's a great idea, Hokage-sama. I can see why they made you head of the village."

He looked over to the corner where the second boy reclined against the wall, arms folded, eyes trained on the tiled floor.

The girl sitting perched on the side of the bed he had woken up in chose this moment to address him in a gentle, it's-going-to-be-alright- tone of voice, "Don't mind them, Kakashi-sensei. Your amnesia was most likely caused by your head injury. Usually the memory loss isn't permanent."

Behind her, the two boys were bickering like children, but there was something eerie, surreal about it. The blond one – they'd told him their names, but the information was lost to him now, hidden in the foggy depths of his mind – wore a long, white coat adorned with red writing that proclaimed him the seventh Hokage, and he, Kakashi, as he'd been told multiple times, knew what the title meant.

The boy was the strongest shinobi of his hidden village, Konoha, the village hidden in the leaves in the Land of Fire. Kakashi knew what shinobi were and how many hidden villages there were in the world. He could even name them, but ever since the moment he'd woken up, surrounded by eight very strange and worried-looking dogs, and covered in blood, he hadn't been able to recall his own name; hadn't been able to remember anything about himself.

The three youths, all of them under twenty, he was sure, had been there when he woke up the second time, in a hospital bed.

He was a ninja who'd been injured on his mission, they said. The dogs had already told them what had happened. They were his students, they said. The girl was a medic and had proceeded to examine him. He was to spend the night in hospital, she decided. In the morning, she would consult "Tsunade-sama".

During all of this, the three kept exchanging meaningful glances.

Then they told him that he should try to get some rest.

And try he did.

* * *

When he woke up, a blond woman with enormous breasts was standing at his bedside, holding a clipboard and staring at him. He blinked; she kept staring.

"Ah… have we met?" he asked, unnerved.

"Can you tell me your name?"

He thought for a moment. Her eyes narrowed; it made him feel as if a target was painted on his forehead and she was taking aim.

"Kakashi," he said.

She jotted something down on her clipboard.

"Do you know your last name?"

He racked his brain, but recalling the events of the previous night didn't yield an answer to that question. "I don't think I was told."

Again, she took notes. "What exactly do you remember, Kakashi?"

* * *

By the time Tsunade left, Kakashi felt downright miserable. She was holding back information, he was sure of it. He'd had the same feeling about Sakura – Tsunade had told him the names of his students, to spare him the embarrassment of having to ask them again, or maybe to spare them – she hadn't been as good at hiding her concern as Tsunade, it was all in the way she didn't give in to the obvious urge to chew on her lip.

Kakashi let himself sink into his pillow and tried to come to terms with his situation. So far, he wasn't in any kind of danger, even his head had stopped hurting. There had been a deep cut just above his hairline. When he'd woken up out in the fields, he'd been bloody, in pain and quite terrified.

Konoha was a safe haven for him, though; people here knew him and seemed to care about him. Still, he was a shinobi, which meant he was a soldier, a killer, and out there, someone had tried to kill him. He didn't know what had happened to them; he hadn't seen a dead body anywhere near where he'd woken up, but then he hadn't exactly gone looking for one. The dogs, he remembered, had been in quite a hurry to get him away from there and to Konoha, but that might have been because of his injury.

As he thought of the injury, Kakashi tentatively touched the spot where the bleeding gash had been. Nothing. Just a little bump that ached faintly when he applied a carefully measured amount of pressure. Medical ninjutsu, he thought. Molded correctly, chakra could heal incredibly fast, he knew although he couldn't recall where or when he'd learned this.

Feeling spooked, Kakashi looked around the room, looked for escape routes. Doing that calmed him down. There were enough ways out of the room; he wasn't restrained and no matter how much he strained, he couldn't hear or see any sign that he was under special surveillance. It seemed like he could just get up and walk out whenever he pleased.

Well, if he escaped the hospital, he'd still be in a village full of ninja.

* * *

Tsunade and Sakura came back after he'd been served lunch by the most kindly harmless looking nurse he'd ever seen – not that he had much to compare her with, but still, she made him feel a little ridiculous for being so paranoid.

He sat up in bed and wondered how exactly you greeted people you – supposedly – had known for a long time, but couldn't remember at all.

The two of them didn't wait for him to come to a conclusion, though. Tsunade marched in, sat down on his bed, almost on him, too, and proceeded to shine a light in his eye, while Sakura asked him the catalog of questions he'd probably answered a hundred times already.

When they were done, he looked at them looking at each and sighed, "what?"

"This isn't how posttraumatic amnesia usually manifests itself. Your condition might be more complicated than we thought." Tsunade was being matter-of-fact and direct and Kakashi was grateful for that at least.

"Meaning I won't get my memories back?"

"We don't know that." Sakura was quick to take on the role of the optimist in the conversation; here she was declaring the cracked glass half full.

"But," Kakashi prompted and Sakura had the decency to deflate just a little.

"That's just it, we don't know," Tsunade continued for her. "We don't know if your amnesia was caused by your head injury or by a jutsu. Either way, there is really nothing we can do for you here."

"So, either my memories come back or they don't." It wasn't all that hard to digest, mostly because Kakashi really had no idea what he had lost. There might have been precious moments that he would have wanted to cherish forever, but how was he to miss something he couldn't remember having?

All he felt was blank.

* * *

It was decided that Hatake Kakashi, Konoha jounin, aged 32, would stay in hospital a little while longer. Meanwhile, he did his best to find out more about himself.

In the afternoon, when his students came to check up on him, Kakashi asked them to tell him everything they knew about him.

Apparently, it wasn't much.

"Kakashi-sensei is just a mysterious person!" Naruto said, crossing his arms defensively. "Up until a year ago I'd never even seen your face."

"Everything's mysterious to you," Sasuke said under his breath, back in his corner.

"Okay, so you don't know anything about my parents or any other relatives or what happened to my eye or…" The list went on, but there wasn't any point in dwelling on the questions they couldn't answer. Time to try another approach. "What do you know about me? Anything?"

He looked around – at Sakura, who sat cross-legged in a chair next to his bed, an expression of doubt on her face. Clearly, she had thought of a few thinks she could say already, but something was holding her back. He wondered if she knew any of her teacher's dirty secrets, whatever they might be.

Naruto's face on the other hand was completely scrunched up in thought; he looked like smoke could come out of his ears at any second.

As for Sasuke… Kakashi's gaze lingered on the dark-haired boy, who stood in the same spot in the same position as he had the night before. Draped in a shroud of silence, Sasuke never raised his eyes from the floor. Out of the three, he was the only one who wore the regular blue Konoha shinobi uniform, identical to the one Kakashi himself had worn when he'd woken up in the field.

"Ah, you owe me money! We went to Ichiraku's last week and you said you'd treat me, but then you pretended that you'd forgotten your wallet in your other vest!" Naruto pointed at him accusingly.

"Naruto!" Sakura glared daggers at her teammate.

"But it's true!"

"Idiot," Sasuke said to the floor.

Kakashi watched them and felt strangely excluded. He could guess that this was a familiar scene and wondered if they were playing it up to jog his memory. Weren't they too old for these kinds of antics? Was this the point where he would normally chime in?

Like the night before, the three were giving him a strange vibe. Childish but also something else. Naruto laughed self-consciously and the sound fell flat in the small hospital room. Sakura looked away. Sasuke turned back into stone.

Kakashi broke the silence before it could smother them all. "If I'm supposed to go home the day after tomorrow, it might help to know where that is."

He had intended it as nothing more than a small opener for a short explanation from the teenagers – and also a way to change the topic from the whole owing money business – but suddenly the room was filled with a different kind of silence.

"Mega-brows-sensei," Naruto said faintly "We totally forgot about him!"

Kakashi couldn't decide what was more disturbing – the fact that he apparently lived with another man, or the fact that said man was nicknamed "Mega-brows-sensei". He still couldn't believe that they hadn't thought of telling him that he had a boyfriend.

"I think we just repressed it because it's kind of gross," Naruto said; at least he tried to sound apologetic.

Sakura was having none of it, though. With lightening speed she shot out of her chair and boxed her teammate's ear hard. "Shut up," she hissed, as she drew her arm back for another punch. "They love each other, you bigot!"

"Ow! It's not because they're two men; it's because it's with SUPER-BROWS-SENSEI!"

A look of reluctant understanding crossed her face, and Sakura's fist wavered.

In his corner, Sasuke sighed.

Kakashi felt slightly freaked out.

* * *

"Gai is currently on a mission with his team; they'll probably come back tomorrow. I thought it best to keep you here till then… Oh, don't look so miserable, you two have been together for years. When you were made General in the war, you insisted on having him in your division. He'll take good care of you," Tsunade had said, and if she'd been suppressing a grin at the time, she'd been doing a fairly decent job. Kakashi had barely been able to tell.

* * *

He was eating an impressively tasteless bowl of udon when all of a sudden the door was ripped open and a strange, _green_ person stormed into the room, shouting, "KAKASHI!" and flailing like a man possessed.

In the second it took Kakashi to drop his chopsticks in shock, the man reached him and started feeling him up. "Are you okay," he asked; his hands wandering from Kakashi's shoulders, down his arms before finally slipping around his waist.

"Ack, " Kakashi said. It was the most eloquent response to the assault he could muster, while staring into those big, shiny eyes – or better yet at the huge, black brows that loomed above them. Something clicked in his brain then. "Mega-brows-sensei," he gasped, struggling to shake off those big hands.

The look of confused hurt in Gai's eyes was something Kakashi wouldn't forget any time soon.


	2. Chapter 2

Immediately upon his arrival in the village, Gai had been told about Kakashi's injury by one of the guards at the gate. Since the guard had not known about Kakashi's memory loss, Gai hadn't known either. As a consequence, he'd run straight to the hospital because he wanted to check on his loved one.

Hearing the story like this made Kakashi feel even worse about the way he had reacted. A bewildered Gai had been lead out of Kakashi's room by the hospital staff, which saved Kakashi from having to explain his predicament to Gai himself.

Now he sat in his bed; a lukewarm, wet noodle stuck to the front of his hospital gown and he felt awful. The reality of his condition had faded during the time he'd spent in this hospital. He'd forgotten the fear and helplessness he'd felt in those first few hours after he'd woken up in that field in the middle of nowhere. If it hadn't been for the ninken, he would have been lost.

And looking into Gai's eyes, he'd felt just as lost and helpless again.

* * *

The morning of his release from the hospital, Kakashi found himself being dragged through the streets of Konoha by his overly enthusiastic boyfriend – not that he'd had time to come to terms with that or anything.

Nevertheless, Kakashi had decided to go through with the original plan, namely to leave the hospital and live in his – their – apartment. Simply going back to his "normal" life was considered his best option at the moment. Maybe something in the familiar environment would trigger him and his memories would return.

Or so they hoped.

As for Kakashi, one of his hopes had already been crushed like a tiny ant, trying to cross a busy street without looking. Before meeting Gai he'd entertained the thought that seeing this man, with whom he'd been in a relationship for more than a few years, or so he'd been told, would elicit some kind of response from his addled brain, but no, nothing.

Unless speechless horror counted…

* * *

Kakashi grimaced under his mask as Gai pulled him through the surprisingly busy streets. Konoha seemed like a happy little village, not at all what he would have expected from a settlement mostly populated by trained killers. People greeted each other in the street, smiling and waving; shinobi in uniform, as well as civilians and people who looked like civilians at first, but then turned or moved a certain way that allowed him to catch a glimpse of a forehead protector's glinting metal front. Not all of them showed the Konoha symbol, he noted.

Then Kakashi saw a herd of laughing children shepherded by a man in shinobi uniform and hitae-ate, who raised a hand in greeting when they passed by. It made him wonder whether he knew the man, whether they were friends even. Gai kept moving, though. He seemed to be in a hurry for some reason. Maybe he was afraid that someone would try to talk to them, and he'd have to explain Kakashi's predicament.

Gai wasn't handling the situation very well, Kakashi thought. Although, to be fair, it probably wasn't easy for him, and Kakashi had no idea how well he would deal with what amounted to losing his boyfriend overnight and having to take care of the stranger who occupied his body. Or maybe that was just him projecting how he felt – like he was trapped in someone else's life – on Gai.

He just wished Gai hadn't cried quite so much in front of him.

* * *

After Gai had been filled in on the situation, he'd come back into Kakashi's room to apologize. And what an apology it had been … Just thinking about it made Kakashi cringe.  
Gai had clasped Kakashi's right hand in both of his and on went the waterworks… and the snotworks. And then he'd ranted about their love and how its power would bring back Kakashi's lost memories in no time. To be honest, Kakashi had just zoned out at some point, while trying - discreetly – to free his hand and avoid the tears and snot.

After that it wasn't too much of a shock that he wasn't attracted to Gai at all. He almost felt guilty about it, but ever since he'd met him, Kakashi had been wondering why he – or anyone, really - would date that man, not to mention live with him.

Then again, they hadn't talked much yet. He knew nothing but the barest facts about Maito Gai; that he was a jounin like Kakashi himself, that he also had a team of three students, that they were almost the same age. And that they'd been together for going on six years now, according to Gai at least; Kakashi himself still wasn't completely convinced.

* * *

Kakashi's musings came to a halt the moment Gai stopped dead in the middle of the street and pointed at an unremarkable apartment complex. "This is it! Our splendid home!" he said, following up with the look Kakashi had come to expect and dread in the short time since he'd lost his memory, the do-you-remember?-you-have-to-remember!-stare, a concentrated mix of hopeful anguish, coming at him from under those monster eyebrows.

"Okay," Kakashi said, sounding flat, even to his own ears. Gai's hand, clamped around his wrist ever since they'd left the hospital, was growing warmer by the second. It was moist, too. To get out of this death grip, Kakashi was willing to say anything. He forced a smile. "Let's go home, Gai-san."

"Ah." Gai's reply wasn't even a word, just the sound of released breath and somehow, the new look on Gai's face was a thousand times harder to bear than the previous one had been.

When Kakashi entered the apartment, he had a moment. It was the kind of moment he'd hoped he'd experience meeting Gai – or at least something almost as strong. He didn't remember anything, but, from the moment he set foot in it, the apartment felt just right to him. He liked it; it almost made him feel as if he really had come home.

* * *

The first thing he did was wander from room to room, examining everything until he had memorized the layout of the place and noted every possible point of entry or exit. He did that on instinct, moving around, checking windows and doors, searching drawers for hidden things.

Uncharacteristically, Gai left him to it. He told Kakashi he would prepare something to eat and vanished into the kitchen without another word. Kakashi was grateful for that at least. Gai's presence made him feel uncomfortable, like he was constantly examined and found wanting.

In the bedroom, though, Kakashi tensed at the sight of the bed. One bed. Of course. He did not feel like opening drawers here, too afraid of what he'd find. There were two nightstands, one on each side of the big bed, and on each nightstand there were two framed pictures.

Kakashi chose the right side and picked up both pictures, holding them up next to each other. He recognized one of them immediately. Naruto had shown it to him back in the hospital. It was a photo of him and his students – Naruto, Sakura and Sasuke – taken on the day they became a team. Team Seven, the three of them at told him, even Sasuke had sounded wistful.

The other picture depicted a similar scene, but he could not remember seeing it before. He was in it, though, the third in a row of three kids – a pale, masked boy with a serious expression. Kakashi tried for a moment, he really tried, to go back to that day in his mind, to visualize the other boy, the girl and the blond man with the winning smile.

He wanted to remember their names, wanted to hear their voices, just for a minute.

"That's Naruto's father, the fourth Hokage, Namikaze Minato," Gai said, directly next to his ear.

Kakashi jumped, dropping the pictures, and whipped around, throwing a punch at… thin air. Gai had ducked under his arm and caught the pictures. By the time Kakashi turned around again, the other man was already kneeling next to the nightstand, putting them back in their proper place.  
Kakashi gaped; he couldn't, for the life of him, think of anything to say.

* * *

As it turned out, Gai was a mediocre cook, but an excellent story-teller, and he seemed to have far more answers to Kakashi's questions than anyone else he'd met so far. With only the smallest amount of prompting, Gai launched into the epic tale of Hatake Kakashi, starting with his father, Konoha's White Fang.

Kakashi almost forgot to chew, he was so engrossed. Maybe that was a little narcissistic, but then he wondered just how much Gai was editing the events for his benefit.

It was around the retelling of the kyuubi-attack that realization hit Kakashi with the force of a tailed beast's wrath.

Gai truly loved him – or more accurately – he truly loved the Hatake Kakashi in his story, whether that was the real Kakashi or not. Either way, the Kakashi he was now – the memoryless, more or less helpless man sitting at the Kotatsu, sipping miso soup – was not the man in the story.

But seeing the way Gai's whole face lit up when he talked about that man – and also, embarrassingly, when he looked at him, the current Kakashi, the damaged version – made him feel completely at a loss because he had nothing, absolutely nothing to give back to Gai.

Obito was the one who interested him most. The boy had given him his eye after all. To Kakashi, it was mind-boggling. A 14-year-old boy sacrificing himself like that...

Sasuke had already explained the abilities of the Sharingan, but he hadn't been able to tell Kakashi anything about how he'd got the transplant.

Gai gave him the name, said that it was the name of the boy in the framed photo on his nightstand and answered as many of Kakashi's questions as he could.

While Gai waxed poetically about the bonds between teammates, Kakashi tried to read between the lines. This time, he was one hundred percent certain that Gai was leaving out some crucial bits of information.

Maybe he just didn't have them.

Team Minato must have been important to Kakashi, but they were all dead. Hearing Gai's stories made him wonder if the two of them had only ended up as a couple because they had been the only ones to survive this long. It was a sobering thought.

"I want to go to the memorial stone tomorrow," Kakashi said as Gai finally cleared away their empty bowls – the meal had been finished a long time ago, but they'd sat for hours, talking.

Gai nodded enthusiastically, "That's a great idea! What better way to find your lost memories than to go to the place where memory is honored?" He turned away swiftly, hurrying into the kitchen before Kakashi could catch a glimpse of his face.

It seemed like he had hurt Gai again although this time he had not the faintest idea how. While they had been talking about the past, Kakashi had done his best to steer Gai away from the topic of their relationship whenever it threatened to come up because he knew that to Gai every sentence would be a hope spot and then a disappointment when Kakashi failed to remember whatever he was talking about.

It would have been all right, Kakashi thought, to be in this state if it hadn't been for Gai.

His students, any friends and colleagues he might have, they could deal with this. They wanted to help him, but if Kakashi never regained his memories, they would still be alright. They hadn't lost as much.

The moments that were most precious to them they shared with other people. His students especially seemed like they really didn't need him. They had each other, and although he could sense some tension there, he knew that anything that needed resolving would be resolved among them; it had nothing to do with him anymore.

But Gai needed him to remember; he could see the desperate need every time he looked at him.

And every time Gai looked at him and saw that he didn't remember, Gai's heart broke a little more.


	3. Chapter 3

Once the sun had set, Kakashi was faced with a dilemma. He was tired and stiff from sitting cross-legged for so long, and all he really wanted was to lie down on that big, comfy bed and go to sleep.

Only, he would have to share said bed with Gai.

Either that or tell Gai that he wanted to sleep somewhere else and watch his boyfriend's – partner's? – jaw clench in that pained manner of his.

Which meant that there was no choice, really, because although Kakashi didn't even like Gai all that much – he found him incredibly bewildering and couldn't figure out what to say to the strange man – he was still loath to hurt his feelings more than he had to. Not being able to remember made him feel guilty enough as it was.

So Kakashi remarked, casually, that he would go to bed, and Gai wished him a good night in an extremely heartfelt, downright dramatic manner, but, to Kakashi's sheer endless relief, didn't say he'd join him.

* * *

Kakashi went into the bedroom, where he opened the wardrobe and peered inside, hoping to find a pair of pyjamas or something.

No such luck.

In the detergent-scented depths, stacks and stacks of green spandex suits waited, neatly-folded, for a crazy person to come and put them on.

!, Kakashi thought, his brain unable to muster any kind of verbal response, and slammed the doors shut, as if afraid the insanity was contagious.

In the drawers he found a pair of sweatpants – dark blue cotton, therefore probably his – and decided to wear them with the sleeveless shirt- mask thing he'd worn all day under his sweater. Gai had given it to him, along with the rest of his outfit, that morning when he'd come to pick him up from the hospital.

Kakashi changed as fast as he could, afraid that Gai might come in any second and catch him bent over with his pants around his ankles or something and they'd have to pretend it wasn't mortifying.

That taken care of, he switched off the lights, slipped under the covers and hoped fervently that Gai wouldn't come to bed before he had managed to fall asleep.  
But Kakashi couldn't sleep.

There he lay on the mattress – a perfect mattress at that, not too hard and not too soft, just right, as if it had been made for him, which for all he knew it probably had been – tossing and turning and completely unable to find any peace.

It hadn't been like this at the hospital, where, after Sakura, Naruto and Sasuke had left, Kakashi had dropped off as quickly and irretrievably as a stone sinking into the sea.

Here, though, in his own bed, in his own home – or so he was told – Kakashi couldn't keep his eye shut for more than a few seconds before he went back to staring into the semi-darkness, listening.

He could hear Gai puttering around the apartment. The click of light switches, the whisper and thump of sliding doors opening and shutting, footsteps.

Kakashi lay in bed, expectant, dreading...

* * *

By the time Gai stole into the room it was well past midnight; just when Kakashi had begun to hope that the other man wouldn't come to bed at all.

He undressed quietly in the dark room, his outline illuminated only by the spandex-green glow of the display of a digital alarm clock on Gai's side of the bed.

Kakashi watched him out of the corner of his half-closed eye while pretending to be fast asleep. He couldn't make out more than a dark silhouette that moved about ominously like a snake shedding its dead skin.

Finally, the rustle of fabric as the blankets were lifted and the dip of the mattress as Gai lay down.

Kakashi wondered briefly if Gai would try to reach out to him, maybe even wrap and arm around him, but nothing of the sort happened. Instead, they just lay next to each other in the dark, both pretending to sleep, both knowing the other was pretending, too.

Sleep seemed like an impossible feat.

* * *

When he woke up he found himself looking at the smiling faces of dead people, made even ghostlier by the semi darkness of the room. Startled, Kakashi reached over to turn the photo away from him, but found himself picking it up instead. Minato, Rin and Obito, he mouthed the names Gai had told him. His sensei and teammates.

His fingers tightening on the frame, Kakashi squeezed his eye shut, trying to conjure up their images in his head. All he could come up with was the way they looked on the photo. Faded smiles on paper.

Movement behind him made Kakashi snap out of it. He put the picture back on the nightstand and turned, expecting and dreading the sight of Gai staring at him. Gai, however, was still fast asleep. Kakashi was sure because no one drooled quite as much when faking it. Lying on his stomach with his mouth hanging open, facing Kakashi, Gai looked almost like a normal person.

His hair was thoroughly tussled, as if by a lover's hand, which was a much better look on him than his usual bowl cut. The blankets had slid down to his waist, revealing Gai's bare, muscular back. Even without much light, Kakashi could make out thin, silvery lines that criss-crossed across the other man's skin. An incredible amount of scars, even for a shinobi.

As far as Kakashi knew – knowledge that seemed to come from nowhere although, of course, he must have learnt it somewhere – injuries treated with medical ninjutsu rarely left scars, but looking at Gai's body he started to doubt that knowledge. Then again, they weren't big scars.

Fascinated despite himself, Kakashi's eye wandered downwards to where the blanket cut off his view of Gai's body, but not before he was granted a peek at the neon green waistband of some kind of underwear, probably something obscenely skintight and revealing, since Gai didn't seem to own anything else.

Kakashi tore his gaze away and shook his head, as if to clear it from dirty thoughts, not that he had any. He was just feeling restless with nothing to do except wait for the other man to wake up and make him feel uncomfortable again.

Or did he? He'd made a decision the night before, he remembered. He wanted to go to the memorial stone; he'd even told Gai as much. Now, Gai had probably thought that they'd go together, but he'd never said so explicitly. Kakashi had made up his mind already, he realized. He had no intention to wait for Gai to wake up. He would go alone.

The night before, when Gai had mentioned the cenotaph, he'd given Kakashi only the most basic information about where it might be located. It would have to be enough.

Kakashi slipped out of bed, casting nervous glances at Gai every second. Thankfully, he didn't even stir.

Sneaking out of the apartment proved easier than Kakashi had feared it would be. He even managed to find a kunai in the upper drawer of his nightstand. It was a surreal moment when Kakashi found himself wishing for a weapon in the vicinity, opened the drawer and found the kunai just like that, as if he'd stored it there himself, which he had, of course. And yet, the small moment was reassuring; it made him feel like the gap between his current self and whoever he had been before the loss of his memories wasn't as big as he'd thought.

Dressed, armed and out on the deserted pre-dawn street, Kakashi took stock of his surroundings. Even at this early hour – Gai's alarm clock had read 5:13 when Kakashi had closed the bedroom door behind himself – Konoha wasn't asleep. Once in a while Kakashi would catch a glimpse of someone, mostly up on a rooftop, appearing for the blink of an eye.

Like rats, Kakashi found himself thinking. An uncharitable thought, but fitting nonetheless.

* * *

He found the memorial stone after about an hour of walking to the edge of the village and then circling around. Like Gai had said, it was just outside the populated area, at the edge of the forest. When Kakashi approached it, the first thing he thought was how small it was, so much smaller than he had expected it to be.

But then he moved even closer and saw that the dark blue surface was crammed with names, rows and rows of them, all shinobi killed in action. Kakashi crouched and went looking for the names Gai had told him. He found Obito, Rin and Minato soon enough – and the felt by now familiar shame about not being able to conjure up an emotional reaction when he touched the carved characters – but Hatake Sakumo was nowhere to be found.

Kakashi had just finished going over the names in search for his father's for the twentieth time and was about to start over again, but as he straightened to reread the topmost inscriptions, he had a sudden sense of _Gai_.

He barely had time to turn around before the bane of his existence was in his face, yelling, "I was looking all over for you! Why did you come here alone?! Why didn't you wake me?!" All in one loud, angry, wet rush.

Kakashi did his very best to dodge the flying drops of spit, but it was hopeless like trying to evade a downpour.

Disgusted, he wiped some off the exposed part of his face – wondering if maybe these kinds of incidents were the reason he wore the mask – and folded his arms, staring Gai down.  
"I didn't realize I was obligated to tell you where I go," he said, coolly.

Gai sputtered, his face growing a lighter shade of red, more embarrassment than anger now.

"That's not how I meant it!"

"It is how you said it." Kakashi would not let this go. There was something about this… About how upset and worried Gai was, that made him suspicious.

"You shouldn't be out here alone! You're not… quite yourself yet."

That was certainly one way to put it. From what Gai had told him and from the random bits of knowledge he had about shinobi life, Kakashi could be sure that he had been an extremely strong ninja before. But now? Would he be able to defend himself in the state he was in? Technically, he still remembered the basics about chakra use; however, all his actual battle experience was gone.

"So?" Kakashi asked anyway, provocatively. Gai was worried about something. Something specific.

"What if you were attacked?"

"And who would attack me in Konoha?"

"A shinobi is never safe!" Kakashi glared at his so-called boyfriend, thinking, _just spill it!_A moment passed, then Gai finally collapsed like a house of cards. He swallowed. "And also, the people who attacked you on your last mission may still be at large."

This was news. Disturbing, unwelcome news.

"What do you know about them?" Kakashi heard the sharpness in his own voice and the unspoken, why didn't you tell me sooner. He hoped Gai heard that too.

The contrite tone of the other's voice gave Kakashi reason to hope that Gai was more perceptive than he seemed. "Only what your ninken told Tsunade-sama," he answered, studying his toes.

"Which is what?"

"There were two of them, missing nin; they interfered with your mission. Pakkun thinks they were bounty hunters. The dogs injured one, but both got away." Gai listed the facts with some haste, as if telling Kakashi everything as fast as he could now would somehow make up for not telling him sooner.

"There's a bounty on my head?" Shouldn't this kind of info be at the top of the "what we should tell him if he ever happens to lose his memory"-list? It seemed rather important.

"You're legendary. Your body is worth a lot of money. Now more than ever, I would say."

Realization dawned on Kakashi. He had heard of this… somewhere. "Because of the Sharingan…"

Gai nodded.

"And when were you going to tell me that?"

"I… I was going to tell you yesterday, but then we were talking about all that other stuff…"

Flimsy, Kakashi thought. Gai wasn't a very good liar. It made him wonder what else the other man had "wanted" to tell him.

"How can I trust you?" he asked bluntly.

Gai grabbed his chest like he was having a heart attack. "How can you… how can you trust me?!" he stuttered, wounded. "I would never let any harm come to you! Never! For as long as I live, I swear to you—"

Kakashi waved the words away like so many buzzing flies, "Harm did come to me; you weren't there. I need to be able to protect myself and I need all the information you can give me. If I can't even rely on you for that much, you're worthless to me."

He turned around and walked away, leaving Gai gasping like a dying fish.


	4. Chapter 4

Of course, that wasn't the end of it. Kakashi made it back into the village, busy again, now that the sun had risen, all the way aware of being followed. By Gai…

His wannabe bodyguard was damn near impossible to actually see, but Kakashi could sense him anyway. It was an irritating sensation, knowing that Gai was right there, on some roof, behind some tree or even in some bush, watching him. Watching _ove_r him.

Kakashi pretended not to notice; there would be no point in calling Gai out, especially since he found it hard to pinpoint Gai's exact location. The man was excellent at sneaking and he moved fast. It occurred to Kakashi then, for the second time since he met Gai, that the other man might be a very skilled killer indeed. The thought never failed to send a shiver down his spine.

Back when he'd seen Gai putting his framed photos back on the nightstand with utmost care, Kakashi had experienced this rush of deep uneasiness for the first time.

Kakashi tried to shake it off. He had bigger concerns than his strange boyfriend. Gai didn't mean him any harm, but his attackers did. And they were still alive.

Then again, the more he thought about the issue and the closer he got to the village center, the more Kakashi doubted that he would be attacked in Konoha. There were shinobi everywhere. A missing nin would have to be crazy to try and attack him here. It would be suicide.

And yet, Gai obviously didn't think Kakashi was safe. Unless he had other reasons to stalk him. It irked Kakashi that he couldn't get any more info on their relationship from anyone but Gai. Maybe they had had problems before Kakashi had lost his memories, maybe they had even been close to breaking up? Or maybe Gai was simply the jealous and controlling type.

Perhaps Gai enjoyed this to some extent, being the one with the power in the relationship for once. As far as Kakashi figured – and from the way Gai talked about him – Kakashi was usually the strong one in the relationship. He was more attractive than Gai, definitely smarter and he was quite certain that Gai loved him more than he had loved Gai even when he still had his memories.

Not to mention that right now, he didn't love Gai at all. He pitied him, but even that feeling lost out to his current annoyance. Instinctively, Kakashi let his gaze drift, trying to spot the green moron. It was impossible, still Kakashi doubted that he'd gone away like a sensible person. No, Gai was still around.

Kakashi sighed. Right in front of him, a sign promised a "super tasty luxury breakfast" in big red characters, and as if on cue, his stomach growled loud enough to make a flock of schoolgirls who were passing by giggle. He sighed again, realizing that he didn't have any money. He simply hadn't thought of that when he'd snuck out of the apartment.

Well, he could always go back and get some, he thought. But for some reason he was loath to do that. For one, Kakashi had no idea where he kept his wallet. Gai had it for all he knew. Going back to the apartment would feel like losing to Gai, who would just happen to be there too when he got back.

No way.

Straightening his shoulders, Kakashi walked into the small restaurant. He could always ask.

The girl at the counter was more than accommodating when he asked her if it was okay to eat now and pay his bill the next time he came by.

"Sure, Kakashi-san," she said, as if the fact that he was asking was more surprising than what he was asking.

"Great, just put it on my-" midsentence, he realized he could do one better "-Maito Gai's tab then," Kakashi finished, his mask hiding all of his grin but the glint in his eye.

Kakashi spent the rest of the day wandering around Konoha to get a feel of the place.

Naruto had told him that he was welcome to visit him at the Hokage tower any time, but when Kakashi arrived there his student was busy with a stack of paperwork high enough to hide the Hokage sitting behind it, so Kakashi decided to leave him alone for the time being.

* * *

Back on the main street, a young carpenter sitting astride a thick wooden beam up on the half-finished roof of a house dropped his hammer, which Kakashi picked up for him.

When the kid came down to retrieve his tool and apologize profusely, Kakashi found himself strangely drawn to the fairly bland looking boy, who couldn't be much older than Naruto and Sasuke.

Flirting came easy to him, within minutes he had the boy blushing and falling over himself to please him, so he decided to take him out to dinner, Gai's treat.

Halfway through the meal, however, Kakashi realized that he enjoyed imagining Gai somewhere close by, going out of his head and probably chewing his nails down to his knuckles, more than he enjoyed the starry-eyed boy's company.

Kakashi studied him and wondered idly what he'd found so attractive about this particular young man. Absolutely nothing about him was eye catching. He was pale, slim and had the most ordinary, brown hair, which he wore in a practical nondescript short cut. The only thing that stood out about his appearance were his dark, almond-shaped eyes.

And Kakashi wasn't listening to a single word he was saying, instead he kept looking into those eyes, wondering why it was that the longer he looked, the more they unsettled him.

In the end, Kakashi fled, muttering charming excuses because he could be charming, even if he couldn't be anything else.

* * *

He fled home – funny how easy it suddenly was to think of it as home, now that he needed it to be just that – hoping that Gai would be waiting for him there and not be as angry as he had every right to be.

Kakashi was in luck, for once. Gai opened the apartment door on the first knock, and Kakashi was almost drowned by a wave of inexplicable relief. He felt foolish then, already unable to remember what exactly had disturbed him to such an extent at the restaurant – what had made him worried that Gai wouldn't be there when he returned.

Gai didn't notice, though, he simply wandered off into the living-room, where he sat down at the kotatsu and picked up a book, which he then pretended to read. He was pouting, very obviously so. No doubt, he had seen Kakashi and the young man together, and now he was watching Kakashi's every move from behind his flimsy cover while chewing on his lower lip.

Kakashi decided that he was too exhausted to deal with Gai, so he went into the bathroom and took a shower, then got ready for bed and crawled under the covers damp and miserable.

* * *

He woke up in the middle of the night with the weight of the world bearing down on him. He couldn't breathe. His unbearably tight shirt and masked were glued to him by sweat and the blankets had wrapped around his legs and torso like a heavy chain.

Panicked, Kakashi struggled into a sitting position, tearing at his mask until the fabric gave way with a loud ripping sound. But as soon as he had shaken off that restraint, another one appeared seemingly out of nowhere as Gai's arms wrapped around him and he was pulled into an embrace.

No matter how much Kakashi tried to push him away, it was hopeless; Gai's arms were like steel. He ended up pressed against Gai's naked chest, his own arms pinned to his sides, his chin on Gai's shoulder.

"It's okay," Gai murmured, one hand rubbing up and down Kakashi's back. "I'm here."

As if that could be a comfort to Kakashi, who had only known him for two days after all.

"Let go." Kakashi managed a constrained half-push against the brick wall that was Gai's chest. It wasn't much, but the other man seemed to get the idea. He let go.

"I'm sorry." It was too dark to get a look at Gai's expression, no matter how hard Kakashi squinted. His voice betrayed no small amount of contrition, though. It almost made Kakashi want to reach out to him. Almost.

Instead, as if to extinguish the urge as fast as possible, he lay back down and turned away from Gai, planning to go back to sleep immediately.

The rustle of blankets as Gai rearranged himself, which Kakashi tried to ignore. He still wasn't all that comfortable with sharing a bed with somebody he didn't really know. His instincts were very much set on not falling asleep, not letting his guard down to that extent when somebody he didn't fully trust was this close to him.

Gai's apparent inability to lie still didn't help. Tense and annoyed, Kakashi realized that his fingernails were digging deeper into the pillow with every little shift behind him.

Finally, Gai's voice floated over, much softer than usual.

"You were screaming… Did you have a nightmare?" Then with ill-concealed eagerness, "Do you remember what it was about?"

"No." Kakashi's answer came out hard and sharp, its intention – to make Gai shut up and leave him alone – obvious to any sentient being.

Or it should have been.

"Oh." The silence of Gai's hopes being crushed resounded through the bedroom.

Kakashi could hear Gai mulling it over, grasping for ways to communicate with him. Regrouping for a new attempt to reach out.

He felt the sudden urge to pull the pillow over his head. Maybe Gai would take the hint and just go to sleep so Kakashi could at least try to relax.

But, of course, he had no such luck. Gai spoke up again, after – and Kakashi was sure of that – he had stared at Kakashi's back for a good while like a creep.

"Can… can I put my arm around you?"

Kakashi gritted his teeth; Gai sounded so hopeful again. Somehow he felt like he had to give him props for even remembering to ask. It must have taken some effort, too, considering how small his voice was.

"Fine. " If that was what it took to get some peace.

Kakashi braced himself, but when Gai shifted closer – the mattress dipping slightly – and put his arm around Kakashi's waist, the touch was more of a relief than an intrusion.

"I'm sorry," Gai murmured, and although their bodies weren't really touching anywhere apart from where Gai's arm rested. And yet, Kakashi could feel the words on his skin. Hot, humid starbursts on the back of his neck, where he'd torn of the mask.

"No need to apologize," Kakashi said, forcing himself to sound carefree and unaffected. "It's not your fault." Just to reassure him, he patted the back of Gai's hand lightly – or he meant to, since he couldn't seem to pull his hand away after coming into contact with the skin on Gai's knuckles.

They were so calloused, so rough and hard, that Kakashi kept stroking them, marveling at the strange, rough sensation, wondering if Gai had any feeling left there, under the scarred skin.

Gai seemed not to notice. As a matter of fact, he seemed to be drifting off already, leaving Kakashi alone in the darkness of their bedroom.

It was what he'd wanted, but now that he was about to get it, Kakashi found himself reconsidering. It seemed unfair to him that Gai should be the first to get some rest. It felt a little like falling asleep was the goal of some competition and he was losing the race.

Or perhaps that was just because the weird non-memory of his nightmare was still clinging to him like wisps of torn spider webs. A disgusting feeling he couldn't quite shake off, but too vague to form an actual image. Either way, he couldn't sleep.

So he lay awake, going over the events of the past days and the information about himself and his life he had gathered so far. There was one gaping hole he'd ignored all this time – avoided actually – because he found it the most uncomfortable and he only had one source of information on the topic. Not for the first time, he wished he had an objective third party to answer all his questions. But he didn't, so he'd just have to make do.

"Gai?"

"Hm?" Gai sounded like he was already mostly asleep.

"How exactly did we get together?" Maybe Gai's sleepiness would work in his favor, Kakashi hoped. It might make him more honest and less melodramatic.

But if there was such a thing as an instant awake button on Gai, Kakashi had just hit it. Gai gave a little start, his arm tightening around Kakashi, pulling him closer.

"Kakashi!" He said way too loudly right into Kakashi's ear, "you really want to hear the story of our beautiful romance? Really?"

Apparently, Gai had found his instant regret button. Kakashi made a sound not entirely unlike a death rattle, "Are you crying?" he asked, suspicious of a drop of_ some_ liquid that had hit his ear. Kakashi hoped it was a tear.  
"Because if you're going to cry the answer is no."

"I'm not crying," Gai lied badly, sniffing. His face was close; Kakashi could feel him breathe, could feel his body heat. He was a little surprised by how not-mortifying it had turned out to be. Still, he elbowed Gai gently, indicating that he wanted a little more space. "And if I was crying, it would be tears of joy! Because you didn't ask before, but you are asking now. It's meaningful!"

Kakashi sighed; he had no desire to pursue Gai's strange reasoning any further. It seemed too much like it was going down his the-power-of-our-love-will-cure-your-amnesia-road again. Which, in Kakashi's opinion, was nothing but a childish source of false hope.

"Can you just answer my question, please?"

Once Gai had started talking, there seemed to be no stopping him. On and on he went, but to Kakashi's surprise there was a lot less romance than he had expected. It was mostly about their epic… rivalry?

"So, we beat each other up a lot… for decades?" He summarized Gai's at least hour long monologue into one confused question. "When did we develop feelings for each other?" Apart from the desire to punch each other, that was.

"We always had feelings for each other!" Gai apparently was insulted by Kakashi's inability to see the romantic aspect of regular, often bloody, sometimes ridiculous matches. "A burning, hot-blooded passion to become stronger –"

"Yeah, yeah, rivalry, you already said that." And what a strange tale that had been. More and more he was beginning to suspect that the only reason he had ever started dating Gai was because Gai had simply tormented him with endless challenges until he had given in because he really couldn't see himself being as into that whole rivalry weirdness as Gai obviously was.

Anyway, if he wanted to get anywhere, he'd have to approach the subject from a different direction; otherwise Gai would spend the next year narrating their many childhood adventures without ever getting to the part where they went from being "eternal rivals" to sharing a bed.

"Tell me about our first kiss," he demanded, hoping that the answer to this question would shed some light on the one that had been on his mind ever since he'd laid eyes on Gai for the first time.

_Why would I be in a relationship with him?_  
He couldn't come out and ask it to Gai's face because, although he was still on the fence about Gai, he didn't want to hurt his feelings _that_much.

"It's a long story though," Gai said, his voice a gentle, sleep-stained rumble that Kakashi found much more pleasant than his usual loud and overly energetic tone.

To weary to even take that easy shot - "Do you know any other kind?" – Kakashi just murmured, "I want to hear it," which he could tell, even without turning around, made Gai happy.

"I had to go to Suna on a mission. An A-Rank by myself; the delivery of a top secret message to the new Kazekage." Naturally, Gai made the whole thing sound extremely dramatic.

"For someone as fast and strong as me, it was an easy task."

And there he was, blowing his own horn. Kakashi suppressed a sigh.

"I got into a fight on the way to the Sandvillage, though. Some rogue sand shinobi who were unhappy about the new Kazekage and the alliance with Konoha. They thought that by killing me and changing the message they could damage the relationship between the two villages and weaken Gaara-sama's position. Their plan might have worked, except for the obvious flaw; there was no way they could defeat me! I crushed them without breaking a sweat. So, I went to Suna and completed my mission successfully!"

That last sentence, spoken in truly triumphant fashion, gave Kakashi pause. He frowned, feeling a tiny flower of annoyance take root inside of him.

"Okay… " he rubbed his forehead to massage the frown away. Gai just needed to be put on the right track again. "And what does this have to do with our first kiss?"

"I was getting to that, patience, my rival!"

Kakashi rolled his eye, so they were back to the rival-thing now?

"Anyway," Gai continued in his most dignified manner, "my mission was a great success and I got on my way back to Konoha...but… ah…"

"But?"

"Um, I felt a little woozy… Well, I still left Suna, determined to make it back to Konoha in a day."

"You felt sick, so you decided to run through the desert?"

"It wasn't that bad!"

Kakashi just let that statement hang there between them uncommented while he could hear Gai wrestling with his pride behind him. It didn't take long.

"…except that it was maybe a little bad," Gai admitted softly.

"What happened?"

"I made it about halfway to Konoha; then I collapsed and passed out." The arm around Kakashi's waist tightened.

"When I woke up, I was at the hospital in Konoha. You were there. So was my precious Lee, asleep in a chair." Gai paused. "You were awake, though."

Kakashi had guessed the ending to the story back when Gai had told him about losing consciousness in the desert. "And that's when I kissed you."

Gai almost jumped out of the bed. "You remember?! Oh, Kakashi, I knew-"

"No. It was just obvious." He felt… empty. Whatever he had hoped the story would do, it had not delivered. There was a gaping hole in the narrative. It was just too one-sided. What he wanted to know, what he needed to know, was his side. His emotions, but Gai didn't have them.

"It was a wonderful moment," Gai said beseechingly, hovering over Kakashi. He flopped down suddenly, back into his original position and put his arm back around Kakashi's waist, hugging him. "You'll remember; you'll see."

Kakashi wished he could be so sure. He wanted to, in a way… He wanted to feel what he must have felt at that moment. Relief probably. Love, maybe.

He couldn't remember what that felt like.


	5. Chapter 5

Kakashi woke up to sunshine flowing in through a newly opened window and an extremely chipper Gai.

Not quite prepared for the sudden brightness combined with the sight of Gai hopping around in his tiny green underpants, he groaned and buried his face in his pillow.

"Rise and shine!" Gai yelled over his shoulder, chuckling when Kakashi answered him with a dark growl, muffled by the pillow. "It's a brand new day!"

Who actually said this kind of thing in real life, Kakashi wondered. This kind of TV commercial talk… From Gai's general direction came a bright ping that had him lift his head briefly and reluctantly to investigate. Gai stood in full pose, one hand on his hip, the other pointing dramatically at the open window, where the curtains billowed in a sudden gentle breeze as if commanded.

The scene made a shudder run down Kakashi's spine; he let himself fall face-first into the pillow again. Wonderful darkness.

"Are you feeling okay?" Ever perceptive and gentle, Gai padded over to prod him like he was some kind of road kill.

"'m fine. Go'way."

Uncoordinated batting at his arm didn't really discourage Gai as much as Kakashi had hoped it would. Instead it seemed to inspire him to ruffle Kakashi's already ruffled hair and laugh in a carefree and heartfelt manner Kakashi was sure he hadn't heard from Gai before. The moment didn't last long, though.

When Kakashi pulled away, snarling "Stop it" in unmistakable annoyance, Gai recoiled so abruptly, with such a look of hurt on his face that Kakashi instantly regretted his reaction.

But there was no taking it back now.

Gai cleared his throat. "There is something I want to show you, he said, not quite meeting Kakashi's eye.

"Okay?" It was more question than agreement, but under the circumstances it was the best Kakashi could do.

"Don't worry, you'll love it." Gai gave him a wink and a thumbs-up. Clearly, he had one uncrushable spirit.

* * *

At the breakfast table, Gai, grinning like a madman, presented him with a strange orange book that didn't look nearly special enough to warrant Gai's expression.

"Do you remember? Hm?"

Kakashi studied the gaudy cover for a moment – the picture of a man chasing a woman and the title Icha Icha Paradise – it didn't ring a bell. He looked back at Gai's overly excited expression. Shouldn't he have learned by now that Kakashi's memories wouldn't just magically return?

"No."

Weirdly, this didn't disappoint Gai like it usually did, instead his grin even broadened. Scary.

"Read it," he urged, pushing the book across the table towards Kakashi, who picked it up without much enthusiasm.

"Fine, whatever." Anything to get Gai to stop looking at him like that.

* * *

Five minutes later, he was hooked. He'd only opened the book and skimmed the first few pages, thinking that he'd give it a chance, for Gai's sake, since he'd been so hard on the poor guy earlier. And then he was gone, sucked into the wonderful world of Icha Icha. How had he even lived his life without it before? Kakashi was almost angry that Gai hadn't shown it to him the moment he opened his eye in the hospital, but then he remembered that Gai didn't have to show it to him at all, so he was grateful.

Anyway, this was love.

He was so engrossed, he barely registered when Gai left, saying something or other about training with his team. Kakashi just nodded and grunted, happy to be left alone with his book.

By the time Gai returned, Kakashi was on the last few pages, which he finished in a bit off a rush because he could not wait to see how it all ended, but when he actually did come to the end, he cursed himself for not savoring it more.

With a sigh of regret, he closed his book and stood up to stretch. The passage of time had eluded him while he had been reading. He'd only gotten up once during the whole time Gai was gone and that just to switch on the lights because the fading sunlight had made it hard to read.

Gai wandered into the kitchen just as Kakashi opened the fridge to check if it contained anything good.

"Hungry? I brought takeout from Ichiraku." Gai smiled, holding up a greasy bag. "I know you too well, rival!"

He looked so pleased with himself, too. Like a dog that'd successfully retrieved a thrown ball. It actually made something inside of Kakashi soften. Or maybe that was just the Icha Icha buzz still coursing through his system. Either way, Kakashi found himself taking three long strides across the kitchen to grab his stunned boyfriend around the waist and plant a very chaste kiss – mask still on – on his lips.

"Thank you." He had planned to say it and step back immediately; except that this close he caught a whiff of Gai's smell – like freshly cut grass, mixed with something spicy, a hint of sweat. It made Kakashi stay right where he was and breathe it in.

And then it was like a rock coming loose under his foot, Gai's scent, Gai's broad, warm hands settling on his hips –

_a flash of Gai's face, much closer than it was now, endless blue sky behind him, laughing and looking down at Kakashi. Grass blades tickle him, something is poking the back of his thigh; it doesn't matter. He's happy, the war is over. Gai is pressing down on him, his body solid, hot and heavy and his. Kakashi laughs, too. Lower than Gai, scheming. Gai's lips brush his – just a preview for the kiss to come, just teasing, but Kakashi finds purchase on the ground, inhales deeply, and flips them over._

Kakashi blinked, very decidedly did not groan, clutch his head or stumble from the sheer impact of this one lost memory returning, but instead said very calmly, "I think I just remembered something."

Naturally, Gai screamed and fell over.

* * *

"It's a good thing you set my food down before you decided to keel over," Kakashi said before lifting his bowl of ramen to his lips.

"I was shocked," Gai did an acute impersonation of a man trying to ward off a swarm of bees, "this is shocking! You remembered something! I knew you could do it!" His lip wobbled alarmingly.

"Please don't cry again." There were only so many tears Kakashi could take in the space of a few minutes.

"But... but this is the first step on your road to recovery! Your memory is returning! It's only a matter of time now! I'm so happy! And," at this he leaned forward on his elbows, until his face almost touched the bottom of Kakashi's tilted ramen bowl, "I was right! The power of our love _is _curing your amnesia! Now, what did you remember?"

Kakashi froze, his appetite gone instantly. He set his meal down. Only now he couldn't use the bowl as a shield against Gai's goofy face anymore. And how happy it was, Gai practically radiated a youthful – where had that word come from? – almost childlike joy, that threatened to scorch Kakashi with its intensity.

"So? What did you remember? Hm? " Gai leaned a little closer, eyes widening. "Hm?" And closer…

Kakashi kept his expression carefully blank. The memory, still fresh and vivid, replayed in his mind, over and over. The relief, the happiness, the arousal. That had been real; this time it wasn't just something people told him, it was something he actually remembered. Who could he trust if not himself?

Also, the memory had been triggered by Gai, so maybe there was some truth to his awful "power of love"-cure? But one look at those big, wet eyes under those big, weird eyebrows, and Kakashi started doubting his own sanity.

"It was only a few seconds," he told Gai evasively.

"And?"

"We were kissing." Kakashi tried to shrug it off, like it wasn't a big deal, which it wasn't. He had no reason to be embarrassed about this, after all, he must have kissed Gai quite a lot during the last six years, right? Still, thinking about it brought heat to his cheeks as unfailingly as reading his new favorite book.

Gai, though, looked like a child who'd unwrapped his birthday present and found exactly what he'd always wished for.

"I knew it! The power of our -"

And at that point Kakashi simply tuned him out; it was surprisingly easy.

* * *

"Aren't you going to finish that?"

Kakashi blinked, his Icha Icha daydream evaporating.

"What?"

With his eye, he followed Gai's pointing finger to the half full bowl of now cold Ramen sitting right under his nose, then looked back up at Gai, whose eyes shone with unconcealed hope.

Eating the leftovers now would just be cruel, which was why Kakashi considered the option for a moment, but time didn't make the soup and noodles any more appealing. He shook his head.

Gai snatched the bowl and dug in, using the very same chopsticks Kakashi had, without hesitating. It still startled Kakashi how natural the little displays of intimacy came to Gai – except, of course, Gai had had decades of shared memories with Kakashi. Plus, how intimate was using a person's chopsticks after you'd had sex with them, probably a thousand times already?

It annoyed Kakashi to no end that he didn't actually know anything about his own life, that he still felt like a stranger, even worse, a prisoner, in what should be his own home.

Then again, he had acquired a tiny shard of himself when he'd kissed Gai, so maybe…

Kakashi sighed, looking over to the other man, who was slurping up noodles noisily and quite happily, soup dripping from his chin, and who, as soon as he noticed that Kakashi was looking at him, paused to grin and give him a thumbs-up.

Kakashi felt his eyebrow twitch, but he forced a smile in return. Hadn't Tsunade told him to just go back home and do what he normally did?

Well, the person he normally did was sitting right in front of him…

* * *

Kakashi observed Gai from where he had strategically positioned himself on the bed, his beloved volume of Icha Icha serving as a flimsy cover. In front of him Gai paraded around in a pair of tight boxer briefs – orange checkers on a light blue background, maybe Gai was actually colorblind?

For himself, Kakashi had chosen a similarly revealing outfit; only his boxers were a lot less hideous, but, exactly like Gai he didn't wear anything else. It was a big step for him, Kakashi thought, and he did feel a little exposed – not that Gai seemed to notice.

Gai had just come out of the shower, still damp, he'd opened the wardrobe to pick out his outfit for the next day- from his wide range of identical jumpsuits. Kakashi watched him out of the corner of his eye while leafing through his book.

He did have a great ass, Kakashi had to give him that.  
And Kakashi still had that Icha Icha buzz, the slightest bit of arousal coursing through him. Plus, the memory. Except that that made him feel more confused than horny. In a way, it was as if he'd been randomly given some parts of a puzzle that didn't fit together at all.

Gai was digging around in the wardrobe, bending just a little, which made the fabric of his underpants stretch over his shapely backside, Kakashi couldn't help but notice.

He _was _attractive, if in an unconventional way.

When he emerged – finally – with a spandex suit that looked exactly like all the others Kakashi had seen so far, Kakashi decided to give up his charade and put the book on his nightstand. Then he waited. And waited, as Gai held his suit up for closer inspection, picking at the fabric.

Impatiently, Kakashi stared at Gai's back, at the muscles moving visibly under his skin, at the subtle groove of his spine that seemed to direct the flow of Kakashi's gaze downward to the elastic waistband of Gai's low hanging briefs. What the hell was he doing with that silly suit?  
Kakashi waited for Gai to put the thing away already and to turn around, to switch off the lights and come to bed, but Gai kept standing, oddly stiff, the unfolded suit held out in front of him by its shoulders. After another minute of no further movement from Gai, Kakashi felt himself growing suspicious.

He rolled onto his stomach and robbed to the foot of the bed, trying to catch sight of Gai in profile. As expected, Gai adjusted his position immediately as if to make sure that his back was to Kakashi at all times.

Had Kakashi's reading lamp on his nightstand not been switched on, he thought, Gai might not have felt the need to investigate the contents of his wardrobe so thoroughly. He might have just switched off the light in the bedroom as quickly as possible and then crawled under the covers in the dark, Kakashi thought. And he might have slept on his side with his back to Kakashi.

The whole situation was pretty funny, in a surreal kind of way. Well, at least Gai had noticed him.

"You've got an erection, haven't you?"

Gai twitched as if he'd received an electroshock right between the shoulder blades and tensed, clearly trying with all his might to will it away. "No," he said with obviously feigned surprise. "Why would you even think that? That's ridiculous! Haha..ha…" Gai's somewhat shrill fake roaring laughter sputtered to a slow, painful death, firmly pushing Kakashi's suspicion over into the territory of conviction.

"Look, just come to bed, I'm pretty sure that in long-term relationships it's actually considered a good thing if you can still get it up." Kakashi shot Gai, who had managed to turn around by now but was still clutching his suit in front of him like a shield, a long, amused look.

"You don't? I mean... it's not.. ," Gai, red-faced, and rather adorably so, Kakashi noted, struggled for words until the full meaning of what Kakashi had said to him had finished its slow trickle through his brain and he exploded into one outraged gasp. "We have never had trouble with that!"

"Well, I'm glad to hear that." He pushed himself up into a sitting position and patted the mattress beside himself. "Just come here, then."

When Gai didn't move, he raised an eyebrow, adding, "I assume I've seen you in this state before?"

"You don't remember, though." Gai shuffled his feet, embarrassed and maybe a little hurt? "All you remember is the last two days." This was a far cry from Gai's earlier hopeful and enthusiastic approach, Kakashi thought. What happened to "our love will cure your amnesia"?

He asked the question aloud, deliberately going for a provocative tone.

"It's only been two days; I don't want to pressure you... and you shouldn't pressure yourself!" The second part he added as an afterthought, and while Kakashi found Gai's concern for him kind of sweet, he just couldn't take a man clutching a green spandex suit in front of his crotch seriously.

"Fine, how about this? I'll just turn around and you can get under the covers, okay?" Instead of waiting for a reply, Kakashi simply did what he had proposed and turned, a little theatrically for Gai's benefit. "There."

Gai practically lunged for the bed.

"You could have just gone into the bathroom to take care of it," Kakashi sighed, wondering if it was okay for him to turn around now, or if he should switch off the light on his nightstand first. And here he'd thought he was the uncomfortable one.

"Do you want me to take a cold shower? Because I could -"

"There are other ways to take care of an erection, Gai."

Kakashi could almost feel the heat from Gai's- no doubt beet-red - face on the back of his neck, but he didn't want to let it go just yet.

"We have had sex before, right? We're not saving it for marriage or something, are we?"

When he didn't get an answer, Kakashi switched the light off and turned around to face Gai... or his back as it were. He felt at a loss.

"What would you want me to do?" Gai's question came softly from the other side of his bulk.

"I don't know." That at least was the truthful answer.  
Gai sighed massively, the sound a big dog would make lying down.

They each had their own blankets on the bed, Kakashi lay on top of his, mostly naked and feeling sillier with every passing second. He had thought he could have Gai whenever he wanted, that Gai was just waiting for the opportunity to get his hands on him. Reluctance on the other man's part was not something he had expected.

Tentatively, Kakashi reached out, closing the distance between himself and Gai's body, which lay in front of him, motionless except for the small regular movements of his breathing. First he touched the centre of Gai's back with the palm of his hand, like a man taking the first step onto thin ice. Gai went very still under his hand, holding his breath.

"Is this okay?" Kakashi asked.

Gai nodded, which was barely discernible from Kakashi's angle, but he took the vague motion as agreement anyway, selfishly maybe, slipping his arm fully around Gai's waist and under the edge of the blanket.

He heard Gai inhale sharply when his fingers crept lower, across his belly, searching for familiarity in the feel of Gai's warm skin and finding soft, tiny hairs that tickled against his fingertips and made Kakashi smile despite himself.

"Why," Gai's voice came through the darkness, husky and seemingly disembodied, "why would you want to do this when you tensed up every time I tried to touch you?"


	6. Chapter 6

"It's not you; this whole situation is just... a little disconcerting. Can you really blame me for being on edge?" A manipulative question and Gai fell for it immediately, finally turning around in Kakashi's vague embrace to face him, and apparently to give him his super-sincere look.

"I would never blame you; I just don't understand why you would want to—"

Kakashi used that moment to test his theory; he snuggled closer until he could something pressing against his hip. Unexpectedly, Gai didn't jerk away from him.

"—do this," he finished, his breath warming Kakashi's lips, a kiss waiting to happen.

"Isn't it obvious? I kissed you and I remembered something, so who knows," Kakashi whispered and let one hand trace the dip of Gai's spine while the other settled on Gai's abdomen, just low enough to brush the waistband of his briefs with one fingertip, "what this will accomplish."

On cue, Kakashi leaned in and pressed his lips on Gai's.  
Nothing happened. Gai didn't move away, but didn't respond either. He stayed put, his lips warm and soft but completely motionless against Kakashi's, who found himself counting the seconds in his head. Not exactly romantic.

In truth, Kakashi hadn't really expected an instant effect although he had gotten one when he'd least expected it. Maybe that was just how these kinds of things went. He had been told that it couldn't be forced, after all.

Kakashi withdrew, just as Gai's hand settled on his hip, giving him a very gentle push.

"And?" he asked, but Kakashi was fairly certain that he already knew the answer.

"Nothing."

Gai nodded gravely. "There is no point in pushing yourself if you don't really want it, and I'm willing to help you in any way you need me to, no matter how much time you need."  
"This," Kakashi drew an invisible line from Gai's navel down to the top of his briefs, "isn't some horrible chore I'm making myself endure just to get to the memories that may or may not be on the other side." He took in Gai's quizzical expression and sighed. "Well, at least it doesn't have to be."

"I want to get to know you," he added with conviction.

Gai swallowed, his grip tightening on Kakashi's hip. "You do?"

In the darkness, Gai's features were vague and mysterious, not as goofy as during the day; Kakashi preferred this version of him, the lack of shrillness and hyperbole.

"Yes."

"You're sure? I don't want to push you."

Kakashi chuckled, walking his fingers up and down his boyfriend's stomach. "Gai, you're doing the opposite of pushing… But if you want to be certain… we can do this on my terms." He had been aiming for that all along anyway.  
"Your terms?" Even in the dark Kakashi could see the way Gai's eyebrows shifted, betraying his confused frown.

"You answer all my questions and let me touch you – no sudden movements."

"And what do I get to do?"

"You get to lie back and enjoy it." When he noticed Gai's left eyebrow rising, Kakashi knew it was time to change his strategy. "Look, this way you won't feel like you're taking advantage of me."

"Because you're the one taking advantage of me." It seemed that he had underestimated his boyfriend's level of perceptiveness.

"Maayybe," Kakashi drawled, not particularly trying to sound seductive although he knew he did. With the tip of his index finger, he drew concentric circles around Gai's navel. "You did say you'd be willing to do whatever it takes to help me, though." And the thought that he, if he played his cards right, could make this man do what he wanted filled Kakashi with no small amount of excitement.

He liked the unexpected challenge, too. Back when it had felt like Gai was falling over himself just to make him feel at ease, he hadn't been half as interested in him.

"Okay," Gai said. "I made a solemn promise to you once and I would never break my word." All of a sudden he seemed to have rediscovered his overly intense side.

_Once? Not two minutes ago? _

"I'm yours," he added with almost scary sincerity.

"Okay, then let's start by doing this right." Without further warning, Kakashi slipped his arm around the back of Gai's neck and pulled him into a proper kiss. This time Gai's lips moved under his, opening slightly.

He let strands of Gai's smooth hair slide through his fingers; he didn't pull or push for anything more than the gentle pressure lips and a hint of Gai's wet tongue. Just the tip of it tracing the seam of his mouth. Kakashi smiled. He loved being a tease.

Then he felt Gai tugging on his hip and scooting closer, trying to eliminate the space, a hand's-breadth, between their bodies. Kakashi pulled away immediately.

"My terms, remember," he chastised in good humor.

Gai just looked at him, at a loss.

Time to take up the reins then.

Kakashi pushed Gai on his back and pulled the blanket off him in one wide sweep that sent it flying off the bed and onto the floor. Then he straddled Gai's hip and pinned his wrists above his head with his hands. Unfortunately, Gai had rather strong, thick wrists, so he needed one hand to hold down each, which meant that he had to kneel awkwardly over Gai to do so and the illusion of control still ended up being nothing more than a thin soap bubble, one which Gai could probably pop with the smallest amount of resistance.  
Kakashi wasn't keen on overexerting himself; he wanted this to be one way and right now it was simply too uncomfortable to meet his standards. He'd have to make some sacrifices.

"I'll let go of you," he said, "but keep your hands above your head and don't move."

Gai obeyed.

Looking at him, Kakashi doubted he'd get much fight from Gai, who was, as it seemed right now, not fully caught up on what was happening to him. Or maybe just distracted by the weight Kakashi put on his nether regions, which felt hot and hard against Kakashi's own, and were really quite good at being distracting. Kakashi straightened, just enough to remove himself from temptation… and to not make things even _harder_for Gai.

Kakashi took a moment to observe his handiwork. Gai lay on his back, arms behind his head, looking up at him, waiting.

Now that his hands were free, Kakashi could do whatever he pleased with Gai – or at least within reason, he guessed, seeing how he had no idea where Gai would draw the line.

He considered switching on the lamp on his bedside table, but then dismissed the idea as he found the sight of Gai illuminated by the sparse white moonlight that cut into the room through the slit between the curtains much more appealing than it would be in the glow of the lamp's artificial yellow light.

This way Gai looked like a charcoal drawing come to life, a little rough around the edges, a few imperfections here and there, but more enticing for it.

"You're actually pretty impressive like this," Kakashi murmured, putting his hands on Gai's chest and stroking downwards, over his nipples and the ridges of his stomach muscles.

"I'm always impressive." Gai squirmed under his hands, which made him look wanton and did send some warm and fuzzy feelings in the general direction of Kakashi's crotch. He rewarded him by lowering himself and putting some of his weight back on Gai's hips, but just for a few seconds.

"Now," he said, pulling on the waistband of Gai's hideous briefs and letting the elastic band snap back, making Gai flinch and hiss, "these need to come off."

It took a bit of dedicated pulling from Kakashi and some wriggling from Gai, but they managed the feat without Kakashi having to actually change his position and while Gai kicked his briefs off, Kakashi got his first good, long look at his naked body in all its glory.

Kakashi scooted back, his ass on Gai's thighs, so he could get a better look at certain parts. Gai still had an erection for which Kakashi almost felt he had to compliment him, considering how little stimulation he had allowed him and how much time they'd spent going back and forth on the sex-issue.

Gai had stamina, Kakashi gave him that. A great body, stamina, and a good-sized dick, maybe that was all there was to it. What more could a man ask for? Well, maybe a less annoying personality and perhaps some general idea of what was considered appropriate attire? But no, Kakashi didn't want to ruin the delicate stirrings of arousal he'd only just begun feeling.

Nothing better, though, than Gai, naked, on the bed right there, his erection right in front of Kakashi. Waiting to be touched.

Tentatively, he reached out and wrapped his hand around Gai's cock.

He stroked it once, looking up to see Gai's reaction.  
Gai lay, head thrown back, eyelids fluttering. He sighed a long, deep sigh of relief.

"What do we normally do in bed?" Kakashi asked conversationally.

Gai gasped as Kakashi settled into an erratic rhythm that suited him more than his boyfriend.

"There is no normally…"

Kakashi smiled and squeezed.

"… our sex-life is varied, spontaneous and exciting!"

"And what does it entail exactly?" He let Gai's erection slip and slide through his loose fist, enjoying the feel of soft skin, the heat and the subtle changes in Gai's breathing.

Gai just looked at him, eyes dark and hungry, unable to come up with an answer. "Everything," he said at last in a breathless whisper.

Kakashi decided then to show some mercy. "If I allowed you to move your hands now, what would you do?"

"Pull you down and kiss you." This answer was forceful and immediate.

So, he leaned down, bracing himself on Gai's collarbone with his free hand, and let Gai have his kiss, which turned from gentle to mindblowingly passionate within the fraction of a second the moment their lips touched. Kakashi pulled away reluctantly, licking his lips and looking at Gai's flushed face.

"You're not exactly a fountain of knowledge, but you _are_a good kisser," he said and nuzzled Gai's neck, breathing in deeply. The smell of Gai was the one thing about him – apart from his ass, maybe – Kakashi was completely sold on.

Ever since he'd first really smelled it, when it had triggered his first, and so far only memory, Kakashi got this unique sense of belonging from it. Animalistic, in a way, like he'd found a member of his pack.

With his next - completely scientific - question Kakashi waited until they both had recovered their breath.  
"Say, how often do we have sex and how long does it usually last?" In order to motivate Gai to answer, Kakashi stopped stroking him.

Gai tossed his head in frustration; his blush crept higher, scaling his cheekbones.

"What? Two minutes once a month?"

That actually seemed to piss Gai off; it was hard to tell in the darkness, but his face even appeared to change colour.  
"How can you think that?! Our sex-life is great!"

Kakashi gave him an apologetic squeeze that, much to his amusement, made Gai's eyes bulge "I was joking. So?"

"A lot! We have a lot of sex! And it lasts long! Very long." Gai paused, pondering something. "Although I can make you come within 23 seconds if I want to," he added smugly.

"Don't tell me," Kakashi looked at Gai, who beamed to such an extent that he almost seemed to…sparkle in the moonlight… "You timed that?"

Gai just grinned in response. "It was for a challenge."

"I don't want to know." If Gai was this weird and he was dating him, then that meant that Kakashi was just as weird, didn't it? Better move on.

"You haven't told me how often."

Gai shrugged awkwardly. "I can't really give you a number because, no matter how bright as the flame of our love burns every day, we can't give in to passion when one of us is away on a mission."

"Huh. That happens a lot?"

"Unfortunately yes, we're both jounin and in the prime of our lives, having experience without being too old to fight, so we're needed." Gai looked appropriated saddened, despite the fact that he was still – technically at least – getting a handjob.

Kakashi himself had almost forgotten about what he was doing, absurdly intrigued, he wanted to know more about this aspect of their lives. "Does that mean we don't see each other for days, weeks, what?"

"Yes, sometimes months, but you're not on duty now, so you don't have to worry." Gai was obviously mistaking his excitement for anxiety.

"What's the longest we've ever been separated?" Kakashi asked, curious. This information did change the way he had imagined his home life with Gai quite a bit. He'd marveled at the fact that he had supposedly spent all these years with this strange man, living with him and everything, and now he was told that they weren't even together most of the time?

"Ten months; you had a diplomatic mission in another country that became more and more complicated and by the time you got back, I had just left for my own big assignment, but normally it's just a few weeks at the most, and sometimes we go on missions together. Although we never have sex when we're on a mission," Gai said earnestly.

Kakashi blinked, a little surprised. "Ten months?" For him, someone who could remember nothing but the last couple of days of his life, this seemed like an impossibly long stretch of time. "What was that like?"

"Oh," Gai visibly perked up like a dog smelling a treat, his eyes all shiny with sappy feelings. "We wrote each other letters expressing our heartfelt emotions; even though we were separated by miles and miles of land and mountains and rivers, in our hearts we were together the whole time."

"Do you still have any of those letters?" This was a chance to get a glimpse of himself, Kakashi thought, he couldn't let it go to waste.

"Of course!" Gai turned his head to his right. "I've got some in my nightstand… um… should I-?"

"I've got it."

He crawled over Gai, scooting up to the head of the bed and leaned over to the nightstand.

"Upper drawer," Gai said, pretty much into his crotch, which Kakashi had – oh so accidentally – pushed into his face.  
Opening the drawer revealed an untidy stack of different sized pieces of paper, most of which Kakashi took.

He settled back into his previous position, sitting astride Gai, although for the moment sex wasn't really a priority.

"Is it okay if I move now?"

"Yes," he answered absentmindedly.

While Gai stretched, Kakashi switched on his lamp and unfolded the first letter.

"Gai," he read aloud from the stained paper, "don't forget, the anniversary of Rin's death is coming up. Bring her some flowers for me, please. I won't make it back for a while yet. Be well."

Puzzled, he shot Gai a glance. "Was that before we got together?"

"No, they're all fairly recent," Gai said cheerfully. He had crossed his arms behind his head and looked rather relaxed and pleased with himself.

Kakashi opened the next one. Sloppily scrawled characters interrupted by ink splotches of varying sizes.

_Gai,  
I'm okay.  
Take care.  
__へ__へ__  
__の__の__  
__も__  
__へ_

Not even a "Dear." Weirdly fascinated, Kakashi put that one aside and moved on to the next. It simply said _Gai_. He turned it over and over again, rubbed the paper between thumb and index finger, looking for any telltale signs of… what? Invisible Ninja ink? But no matter how hard he looked there was nothing else, just the name.

Suspicious, Kakashi began to leaf more quickly through the stack. A few words each, at the most. Sometimes just Gai's name. And towards the bottom, he even found some that were completely blank. Kakashi stared at them, baffled.

"That's not what I would call an expression of heartfelt emotions," he said, holding one of the blank ones up for Gai to see.

"Ah, but you see, with my rival one has to look underneath the underneath." He sounded proud.

Kakashi let the letters flutter to the ground; he was disappointed. He had been able to stifle his hopes of instant recovery of his memories somewhat, but finding out that there were letters that could grant him some insight into who he had been, just to realize that they were completely useless was a shock he had not been prepared for.

Gai's arousal had mostly died down as well.

Feeling tired and depressed, Kakashi switched off the light and lay down next to Gai, who quickly slipped an arm around him and pulled him close. Kakashi let him. As he lay there, head pillowed on Gai's chest, one arm thrown across his stomach, he did remember something.

"So, that thing about you being able to make me come within 23 seconds?"

Gai opened his eyes, instantly awake again.

Kakashi smirked. "I don't believe it."

"Are you challenging me?" Narrowed eyes and furrowed eyebrows.

"Hmmm, maybe…"

Gai didn't look convinced. "What about your terms?"

"I think we can violate them this one time, don't you?" He could see Gai wrestling with himself for a moment, then something like a mental shrug of resignation flashed across his face, followed by a broad, hopeful grin.

"I'll go get my stopwatch!"

Kakashi rolled his eye. "No need, Gai, I'll keep count," he lied.

* * *

**  
**Kakashi's breath hitched in his throat; he gasped and fell back onto his pillow, panting.

Gai resurfaced from under the blanket, licking his lips.

"And?" he asked with disturbingly childlike excitement.

"Ah…," Kakashi needed a moment just to remember that he consisted of more than one body part. Context was beyond him. "Not bad?" He ventured.

"How many seconds?" Gai's face was suddenly very close, his eyes looking like huge, shiny saucers.

"I lost count."

Gai made the kind of sound Kakashi would have expected from a spontaneously deflating blowfish and let himself fall face first onto Kakashi, hitting is nose on Kakashi's collarbone.

It was kind of funny; Kakashi even had to suppress a fond smile.

He sobered as Gai rearranged himself into a less undignified position.

"About those letters, "he began, not really sure where he wanted to go from there.

"Hm?"

Kakashi shook his head. "Nothing."


	7. Chapter 7

A.N.: Someone asked me to continue this and I guess I just needed that little poke (I tend to wander off and forget about stuff, so if you've been waiting for an update for a specific story for a while you might want to tell me - I never think readers who ask me for updates are entitled or whatever, btw, it actually makes me happy to know that people care, and between rl and everything I sometimes just need a reminder.) Anyway, it's pretty darn jossed and what with canon still ongoing it's probably only going to get more so, but I hope you won't mind that much...

* * *

He woke abruptly from a nightmare of being imprisoned in a place so dark, he couldn't even see the walls. The heavy chains that had been choking him in the dream turned out to have real life equivalents in Gai's arms that held him in a death grip while Gai – still fast asleep – drooled happily on his shoulder.

Kakashi groaned and proceeded to worm his way out of Gai's embrace and to the edge of the bed, wiping away the slimy spot on his skin with the edge of his blanket. Miraculously, Gai didn't wake up through any of his struggle. He merely groped unconsciously for something else to cuddle with. Kakashi shoved a pillow into his arms and hopped out of bed.

A quick peek out of the window told him that the sun hadn't even risen yet.

Knowing that he wouldn't be able to sleep any longer whether he went back to bed or not, he snuck out of the bedroom to clean up and get dressed. On his way, he stepped on a piece of paper that stuck to the sole of his bare foot.

Kakashi picked it up and took it with him into the bathroom where he switched on the lights and read.

_Gai,  
If you happen to go to the memorial stone…  
Well, you know. _

Kakashi sighed and slipped the cryptic message into the pocket of the fresh pair of pants he put on. The memorial stone had featured in quite a few of those "heartfelt expressions of his feelings" or whatever Gai called them.

Seeing how he was the only one awake in the apartment and how he really had nothing to do, he began to wonder whether he shouldn't give it another try. Gai wouldn't be happy if he woke up and found Kakashi gone again, but Kakashi didn't care enough about that to change his budding plan.

Besides, he enjoyed being alone. In fact, he felt it took some of the pressure to remember off him, a pressure that was at least ten times worse when Gai was around.

Determined, Kakashi put on his usual multi-layered outfit, complete with vest, forehead protector and gloves, just to seem normal to anyone who might see him.

Then he walked out the door.

* * *

Although the sky was already brighter, the first rays of sunlight just about visible on the horizon like the glint off a naked blade, Kakashi didn't meet anyone on his way through Konoha.

He walked briskly, hands in his pockets, up the small hill that served as one of the natural borders of the village, separating it from the training grounds and the lake.

He found the cenotaph as he had found it two days before. Deserted. It made him wonder how often people came to the stone. He couldn't be the only one, could he? Kakashi looked around for a few seconds to make sure he really was alone.

He couldn't see anyone else.

Despite it being located so close to the village and the training grounds, the memorial and its immediate surroundings had - at least to Kakashi - a very remote feel to it. As if he had stepped into another world.

Kakashi approached the stone and skimmed over the names. The ones he recognized, he recognized because he had been told about them by Gai. No sudden flashes of memory.

Except that he did feel something suddenly, a prickling sensation on the back of his neck, tiny hairs rising.

Someone was watching him.

Slowly, Kakashi turned around.

Right behind him, on the dirt path that led back to the village, stood a boy. A smiling boy in his early teens with spiky dark hair and blood-red eyes.

Kakashi would have known him anywhere; after all he had been waking up next to his picture for the last few days.

A slight breeze stirred the leaves on the surrounding trees, the rustle like the whispering voices of ghosts.

Kakashi, suspended in the moment like a man hanging from a rope around his neck, found himself unable to move.

He watched as, almost dreamily, Obito raised his right arm.

And only when the rising sun hit the steel did Kakashi realize that the boy held a kunai, which was now pointing straight at his heart.

* * *

Obito broke into a run, attacking Kakashi directly, clumsily, in a manner that made Kakashi very suspicious. This was a distraction, that much even he could tell.

A genjutsu?

He knew how to dispel those, if only vaguely. Determined, Kakashi pressed his hands together, focusing his chakra as well as he could. When he closed his eye, he found he could picture his own chakra quite easily as a faint blue fire coursing through his whole body. It took no more than a little mental nudge to change its flow, to direct it where he wanted it. But then he opened his eye and Obito was still there, right there in fact, about to slice his face in half.

Which meant that he was real, except that he couldn't be real because he was dead, wasn't he?

Kakashi dodged at the last second, managing to avoid Obito's blade, but just so. It nicked his mask; the fabric split with a faint tearing sound.

He stumbled into the forest, only to realize that he was probably playing right into his enemy's hands as the training grounds and Konoha were in the opposite direction.

He'd have to get past the boy to get back to the village.

And he was a boy, that was the other strange thing. His attacker was the_ exact_ same boy from the photo, Uchiha Obito, aged 14, alive, sizing Kakashi up with his _two _red eyes.

Red and black, tomoe spinning lazily around his pupils like sharks circling their prey.

It wasn't possible.

Even if Gai had been wrong about some facts, the boy from the picture simply _couldn't_ be standing in front of him now, because Kakashi had been in the very same picture and he had aged; there was no way the kid could have stayed the same over the course of more than an decade.

Unless it hadn't been Kakashi in the picture or this wasn't Obito or…

Or maybe Gai had simply been lying to him.

And yet, Kakashi did have the eye, the Sharingan. After Gai had told him about it, he'd gone to the bathroom, taken his headband off and studied it in the mirror. He remembered tracing the light pinkish scar with his index finger; he remembered the strange sensation of the eye drawing from his chakra, the fascinating way his own reflection transformed when he closed his other, normal eye.

If he had been told the truth, then the kid in front of him should be one-eyed, not to mention _dead_. He should be Kakashi's other – and as he'd suspected during Gai's vague retelling of Uchiha Obito's fate – _better_ half.

But here Obito was anyway, alive and kicking.

_Literally._

Kakashi ducked under the boy's roundhouse kick, and backed away until he bumped into something solid. One of the trees that surrounded him like huge wooden prison bars, cutting off his every escape route.

Although they couldn't be that far from Konoha yet, the forest looked almost impenetrably thick, tall trees and underbrush everywhere, giving him very little space to maneuver.

A small branch cracking under Obito's foot made Kakashi's attention snap back to his attacker. He couldn't afford to look away, but he didn't know the terrain at all, and needed to get some idea of his surroundings to be able to plan for his next move.

First things first, there was one way Kakashi could level the playing field, at least he hoped it would have that effect.

Determined, Kakashi pushed his headband up to uncover his Sharingan.

And needed a second too long to get his bearings.

Obito lunged, and Kakashi was stunned by the way his chakra system unfolded in front of his eye. He could see the light blue veins shining through Obito's skin as if he was nothing but a translucent paper doll.

It was mesmerizing, transfixing—

Kakashi felt a sharp pain in his side as Obito's kunai slipped under his vest.

He gasped in shock and threw himself to the right, pushing through the narrow space between two trees.

_Damn._

He was fighting for his life here, he couldn't forget that.

The trees.

Shinobi were able to run up walls and hang on ceilings by using chakra, Kakashi knew that. The theory was in his head, but the actual practice… Well, he'd never tried.

He heard Obito behind him, the rustle of dead leaves under his feet. Kakashi felt awkward and exposed running like this, his back to his enemy, it was a helpless, graceless situation, being chased down like prey.

Apart from the noise of his movements, the boy was eerily quiet and unresponsive. There was something about him…

No light in his red eyes, no spirit.

The chakra Kakashi had seen pulsing through his veins had seemed mechanical, dull, like an echo.

_A clone._

It had to be.

But why? Why would Obito-?

No, that wasn't a question Kakashi had to ask himself right now. The important part was to get rid of this thing as fast as possible and to return to the village.

A clone would not be too hard to deal with, one good hit should be enough to dispel it.

Kakashi kept running, the ache in his side throbbing with every beat of his heart, only this time he didn't squeeze past the tree in front of him. He kept running, thinking, _come on, you can do this. Focus! _

Kakashi set his foot on the slippery trunk and – automatically – closed his eyes. Chakra modulation. He had no idea how to do that, but he could feel his chakra, could visualize it and… manipulate it?

He could feel the chakra flowing through his veins, liquid and pliant. Its flow reacted to his mental prodding; he could direct it, making it ebb and swell at will.

Kakashi breathed in deeply and took his other foot off the ground.

He stuck to the tree. Waves of relief and triumph washed over him, but he had no time to relish the feeling because with a thud a shuriken embedded itself a millimeter from his big toe.

Kakashi ran up the tree and hopped to the next.

The clone was somewhere beneath him, but probably wouldn't do him the favor of staying put.

Kakashi needed a plan.

He looked around.

Apparently his assailant had driven him even further away from the village, towards a trap for all he knew.

He had to take the fight to him. That would take care of everything. Once the threat was gone—

Except, well, the clone was hardly the real threat, was it?

Kakashi crouched on this branch and peered down. He could see the faint wisps of blue chakra shining through leaves and tree trunks that appeared shadowy and unreal to his Sharingan.

Obito hadn't moved at all during the last few seconds.

There was no way he didn't know where Kakashi was hiding.

What was he waiting for?

Kakashi gently probed his aching side, working his fingers under the hem of his vest. The fabric of his sweater was torn and damp with blood. Not good, but the cut seemed shallow.

Beneath him, the bright spot of chakra wasn't moving an inch. Kakashi's knowledge of jutsu was telling him that, if he was indeed dealing with a clone, the caster of the jutsu could be miles away, but he would be the one directing it.

The clone itself could act independently to some extent – within the boundaries of its purpose – but had no agenda. As for its shape, a clone was most commonly made to look exactly like its creator but it was certainly possible to transform it to look like someone else. In that case it would still only be able to use the same jutsu as its creator. Which meant that the Obito down there might not actually have any eye techniques at his disposal.

So what was this? A prank?

No, his injury was certainly real, and although he had the feeling that, so far, the clone had not gone to great lengths in trying to kill him, this did not feel like a joke.

Plus, considering what Gai had told him about Uchiha Obito, it would have been a cruel joke indeed.

Once again, Kakashi scanned his surroundings. Treetops, tangled branches, a crow that stared at him with its beady black eyes. Silence, deep and ominous.

_A sense of foreboding._

_The door creaked open, light from outside illuminating the dim hallway. Tiny flecks of dust danced in front of Kakashi as he stepped inside. "I'm home," he said, his voice soft and questioning. _

_A fly buzzed past his ear, the sound of its wings startling him. It vanished into the depths of the house before he even had time to swat it away. _

_Kakashi toed off his sandals, and walked barefoot across the cool floorboards. _

"_Father?" he called._

_No reply. _

_There was a strange smell in the air; it made his stomach feel queasy. _

_He thought he might have smelled it before, but couldn't place it._

_He walked along the hall, one hand on the wall as if he was blind and had to feel his way along. The stone was icy under his fingers. His footsteps sounded hollow and distant._

_Someone was humming in the living-room, loudly but tuneless. _

_Stepping on his shadow, Kakashi walked towards the sound. _

_It reverberated through him. He stopped._

_From where he stood, he could see that the door to the living-room was open._

"_Father? I'm home!" His voice sounded small, like a child's._

_Something black was crawling along the wall next to the open door. It crawled across the wall scroll – a treasured present from the Third – like living ink, transforming __火の意__志 __into __犬__の意__志__. _

_He walked towards it as if pulled along on a chain, his mind blank. _

_The humming grew louder._

_Someone had spilled something on the living-room floor. It stank. Father would be—_

_Black spots danced in front Kakashi's eyes._

_They were humming, buzzing._

_At the centre of the dark brown stain – a hunched-over figure._

_A white hand wrapped around the hilt of a dagger._

_A blood-soaked yukata._

Dad_—_

_A corpse._

Kakashi's stomach clenched so violently, he would have lost his balance had he not grabbed hold of the branch he was crouching on.

He could feel his heart pounding in his chest, pounding through the pain.

He'd remembered.

His father.

Suicide.

He hadn't known.

Gai had kept it from him.

Anger boiled inside Kakashi, but this was not the time; he had more pressing concerns.

He pulled himself together as well as he could, and trained his gaze back on the forest around him to see what his attacker was up to.

Then, feeling a growing sense of impending doom, he blinked, scanning the area one more time to be sure.

_No._

He'd lost the chakra signature.

Obito was nowhere to be seen.


	8. Chapter 8

Kakashi wasn't scared, that was the thing that surprised him most. He was still able to think clearly. The situation he was currently in wasn't as disturbing to him as that flash of memory had been. It had felt so real, and now the pain he felt was as fresh as the throbbing in his side.

That little boy's shock and horror was like ice in his veins, but he didn't have the time to catch his breath. Around him, the forest was silent and seemingly deserted, even the crow had vanished.

And yet, Kakashi shivered. Cold sweat trickled down the nape of his neck; the memory had taken its toll.

And whose fault was that?

Gai hadn't warned him, he hadn't prepared him at all, instead he'd evaded and hedged and glossed over the important details of Kakashi's life.

Not trusting himself to make it through the treetops in his rattled state, Kakashi carefully hopped down, rolling to soften his fall, and looked around.

Even down on the ground with the trees towering over him, limiting his view, he could easily tell which way he had to go. The earlier chase had left obvious tracks, all he had to do was follow those back to the village.

And then he'd have a _talk _with Gai.

Determined, Kakashi began walking. Leaves rustled under his sandals, and he heard something coming from the depths of the forest.

_A voice._

"_Kakashi?"_

_When he felt a gentle tug on his shoulder, Kakashi realized that his knees were hurting, his legs felt numb. As if he had been kneeling for hours. He was staring at his hands, how dark they looked compared to the snow white wrist they were clinging to. _

"_Kakashi?"_

_Suddenly, someone else's hand covered his._

"_You can't stay here," the voice said right next to him. The hand was gently trying to pry his fingers loose; he felt another tug on his shoulder. _

"_Go away," Kakashi said, not even looking up. If he looked up, he would have to see his father's slack face. He didn't want to see that. If he just waited here, maybe—_

"_Kakashi," the familiar voice was still firm but tinged with sadness. "There's nothing we can do here."_

"_I won't leave my dad." He tightened his grip and tried to ignore how cold his father's skin felt against his. _Loyalty is the highest of all virtues,_ Father had said that—_

"_He's dead, Kakashi."_

_The words rippled through Kakashi, but he wouldn't falter, he couldn't falter, not now. _

_It wasn't true. _

_His jaw clenched; he fought back the tears that burned in his eyes._

_It wasn't true._

_His father had said—_

_He wouldn't have lied like that._

_Father wouldn't have lied to him like that. _

_And if he hadn't lied, then it wasn't true._

_Kakashi wouldn't budge; he would fight anyone who came to take him away. He braced himself for another attempt to drag him away from his father._

_It never came. Instead he felt strong arms wrap around him from behind. He felt another person's warmth seep into his trembling body._

"_I'm sorry, Kakashi," Minato-sensei said, "but your father is gone."_

It felt like a punch in the gut; Kakashi doubled over, his stomach clenching painfully. He was gasping for air and reaching blindly for something to hold onto.

For a few moments he just stood, bracing himself against a tree and holding his aching side while the pain washed over him like a tidal wave.

He was nauseous, his head throbbed, the shallow cut in his side stung whenever he moved, his knees felt weak and, above all else, he felt _betrayed_.

Kakashi rested his forehead against the cool bark of the tree and sighed. He needed to get back to the village as fast as possible; he was still on dangerous territory. If the clone came back, and he had one of those memory flashes—

Well, it wouldn't be pretty.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Maybe it would be better to cover his Sharingan again, and then to run. A strategic retreat. In the village, he'd probably have to report to Naruto – although that did make him feel a little strange. Naruto seemed so immature, so naïve; it was still hard to think of him as the leader of a hidden village. Maybe he had better speak to Tsunade as well.

Then, _Gai._

Kakashi straightened.

And froze.

He wasn't alone.

He could feel someone's gaze on him, the sensation as intrusive and unmistakable as being physically touched.

Kakashi turned and began to walk, feigning obliviousness.

He still had the kunai, and the village wasn't that far away.

He could make it.

The blow came out of nowhere, it struck between his shoulder blades, pain going off like fireworks, and sent him flying into the thorny underbrush.

"I could have killed you just now, but that would have been too easy, don't you think?" The voice was male, mocking and cold. Kakashi had never heard it before.

He lay on his stomach, face on the fragrant mulch, the odor of decay in his nose.

"You killed my brother, Copy Ninja, granting you a quick death would be a mercy." Between the words, Kakashi could hear soft footsteps approaching him. "You do not deserve it!" The sharp hiss sent shivers down his spine, this was definitely no prank.

Kakashi worked his hand into his pocket and wrapped his fingers around the hilt of his kunai. He pushed himself up on his knees, ignoring the sharp pang in his side, and was promptly grabbed by his arm.

His enemy hauled him up and tossed him against a tree, hard enough to make the bark crack as a few dead leaves floated down around Kakashi. Shockwaves of pain reverberated through his body; his fingers went limp around the kunai, and it slipped from his grasp.

"Pathetic." His assailant was there in two long strides, picking him up by his neck and slamming him against the massive tree once more.

This time the back of his head struck first and blackness exploded behind Kakashi's eyes.

"I don't remember you…" he croaked, "or your brother…"

The man's face swam back into focus. He was blond like Minato-sensei had been, but his hair was much shorter, less spiky and his eyes were as dark as Gai's, his mouth twisted into a cruel smile.

"Of course you don't," he said, lifting Kakashi above his head effortlessly, his biceps bulging. "I took your memories."

Kakashi wasn't even surprised at this point. He could see the hitae ate tied around the man's wrist, the scratched out scribble that was the kusagakure symbol.

"But," the missing nin added, his smile widening, "I'm willing to give some of them back to you."

"You… made that clone." Kakashi was ineffectually clawing at the man's wrist, wishing he had the strength to kick him in the face, but he could barely even breathe.

"You really are a genius," the man said, his voice dripping with sarcasm, and the world shifted.

_Kakashi held the boy down with both hands. It wasn't that he struggled that much; it was the tremors that wracked through his body. What little was left of it. _

_He tasted bile on the back of his tongue. His nostrils were flooded with the smell of blood. And all Kakashi wanted to do was close his eye and be somewhere else, anywhere else. _

"_We don't have to do this," he'd said._

"_It's what I want," Obito had replied."To see the future with you…"_

_And Rin had swallowed her tears and unpacked her scalpel. _

_But the sounds Obito was making now, those small choked whimpers, the way his hand clenched in the blood-soaked dirt._

_It was unbearable, but it was all Kakashi's fault and he had to witness this so he'd never forget what he'd done.  
_

He was dropped to the ground, but he barely felt that. What he did feel was a hollow pain of regret burrowing into his chest like a living thing.

_Obito._

"No matter how great the man; once you take his memories… well, just look at you now." The voice seemed to come from a faraway place.

_I can't die here._

Kakashi raised his head and looked at his tormentor. The tall, young man towered over him, black eyes fixed on Kakashi. His face was a mask of disgust and bitterness, his thin lips pressed together into a grim line. The smile was gone.

"Your suffering," anger sharpened the words that were spat at Kakashi like projectiles, "does not amuse me. It does not restore what you have taken from me."

"Well, it's not that fun for me either, so how about we just quit?"

He saw a telltale twitch in the man's leg, a flicker of warning, that made his body react on its own accord. Kakashi rolled aside just as the man kicked out. He scrambled on his hands and knees and was upright in less than a second.

He hurt, and that slowed him down, but he knew how to fight. He _knew_, he had to.

Kakashi lunged. He didn't have an attack plan, a strategy or anything like it, but he threw a punch, a strong right, that missed its target by a mile.

His enemy moved like water, effortlessly. He dodged, his hand closing around Kakashi's wrist and used Kakashi's own momentum to toss him, sending him flying against another tree.

This time Kakashi's shoulder took the brunt of the impact. He heard and felt something crack inside his body; sparks appeared in his field of vision as pain drowned out his surroundings like a television image breaking up into white noise.

_When he opened his eyes again, he was looking into Rin's. Warm hazel eyes like a deer's. A strand of hair fell into her face, and he thought about the thousand times he'd seen her brush her hair away, happily as she was laughing, distractedly while bent over a patient, embarrassedly as she accepted her birthday present from Obito. _

_But she wasn't brushing it out of her eyes now, and she never would again._

_Her arms were hanging limply at her side, her body already sagging. The only thing that was holding her up was Kakashi. His arm stuck in her chest. Her warm blood dripping off his skin. _

_Already her eyes were blank and empty; he'd erased her, taken everything she was and everything she ever could have been._

He was breathing dirt, coughing. His left arm was numb, his shoulder on fire.

Kakashi would have whimpered if he could have spared the breath. As it was, he barely managed to lift his head.

_Rin._ _He'd killed her._

_What else was there? What else had Gai kept from him?_

"I will end this now – I will end _you_."

Kakashi heard the crunch of his footsteps approaching. He felt trapped, helpless.

_He smelled smoke; above him, the sky was red and black, fire and ashes._

_Fear hung over the village like a noxious cloud._

_In the distance, he heard the cry of an infant._

Kakashi pushed himself up, fighting through the pain.

"_I want to build a world where heroes don't have to make pitiful excuses in front of graves.__" And then the mask lay shattered on the ground, and Kakashi saw _his_ face again. Uchiha Obito._

His body was trembling, and if the earth had split open beneath him to swallow him whole, Kakashi would have been grateful.

_He remembered the crackle of lightening down his arm. Pure energy boiling inside of him. He remembered the light fading from people's eyes. Flashes of steel. Slack mouths, drops of red. Screams. And the silence that followed._

"This is it, Hatake Kakashi!" His enemy attacked in one graceful motion, aiming for Kakashi's neck again, but Kakashi remembered – he remembered pain and suffering – he remembered war and _killing_.

And he broke through his attacker's defense in a single flash of blue lightening.

* * *

Kakashi was on his knees and panting. His arm was covered in blood and innards; the smell coming off it was downright overwhelming and his memory was not back.

He'd thought it would be, that killing the missing nin would be the key, he'd be whole again, but that wasn't the case.

He had nothing but the painful shards of a broken life, only what his enemy had given him.

Maybe by killing him, Kakashi had destroyed his chance to a full recovery.

Maybe—

He heard something then. Up in the trees, the rustle of leaves. A strange _whoosh_ of displaced air.

Kakashi tensed; his shoulder and side screaming with pain. He knew he had no fight left in him, still he braced himself.

"Kakashi!"

_That _voice.

Booming down from the treetops, Gai's shout startled a few crows into retreating with much flapping and cawing. The man himself hopped down a second later, and was all over Kakashi within a heartbeat.

"You're hurt!" Gai's eyes wandered from Kakashi to the corpse next to him and back again. His expression was a mixture of anguish and relief. "I was looking everywhere for you!"

Demonstratively, Kakashi turned away.

"I'm fine," he grunted. When Gai reached for him, he batted his hands away.

"I'll take you back to the village; you need to go to the hospital, and I'll get a team to take care of him."

"He's dead," Kakashi said, glaring. _No thanks to you,_ he very pointedly didn't add.

"The body needs to be dealt with." Gai went down on one knee in front of him, and reached out again. "Come here, I'll carry you."

Kakashi bristled. Gai's puppy eyes made him sick to his stomach.

"I can walk," he said.

It took him a moment to get his bearings, but he managed to get to his feet, if somewhat shakily. His side protested, and his shoulder throbbed in agreement. When Gai tried to steady him, however, Kakashi shoved him away.

"Don't," he said.

Gai looked at him like a kicked puppy.

"I'm sorry I wasn't here sooner, I—"

Kakashi wasn't one for long-winded explanations and he certainly wasn't one for long goodbyes. Gai had betrayed him and that was all that mattered. There was no excuse for that.

He knew what he had to do.

"We're done," he said, and walked ahead as briskly as he could manage. "I don't know what we had, but, whatever it was, it's over now."


	9. Chapter 9

The first thing Kakashi did after returning home from the hospital, where Tsunade-sama herself had patched him up, was pose the big question to Gai.

"Are you moving out or do you want me to leave?"

"Kakashi, please—"

"Don't." He stalked into the bedroom and opened the door of the wardrobe, making a show of searching for his things and something to put them in. "If you're not going, I will. I'm not staying here with you." It was a bluff, of course. Kakashi wasn't in the mood – or, to be quite honest, the state, to move out of his apartment and find somewhere else to live – but he was fairly certain he knew Gai well enough by now to predict his reaction to the mere suggestion.

And he wasn't wrong.

"No, I'll go! I would never make you leave." Gai had tears in his eyes, big, fat ones that would spill over any second now. The whole way back, he'd tried to explain himself, to defend his actions, while Kakashi had marched on stoically, not listening.

He was sick of it. Disgusted, he averted his eye and stepped aside, motioning towards the wardrobe.

"Good. Pack your things," he said, his voice completely devoid of emotion.

Gai practically raced around the apartment; within a minute he had a backpack stuffed full of things – clothes, mostly, though not even a quarter of his stuff was gone from the rooms. Well, Kakashi hadn't expected him to get everything out in just one day, but the way Gai packed made him think his now ex wasn't planning on staying away long.

Kakashi, however, decided against saying anything about that; Gai would learn soon enough that the break-up wasn't just a temporary thing, and if he wanted his stuff back later, Kakashi could always find someone to get it to him. Or maybe he'd just throw it out. That was Gai's problem, not his.

Kakashi wandered into the living room and sat down on the couch. As if conjured, Gai appeared in front of him, backpack slung over his shoulder, a strangely tender expression on his face. No sign of tears anymore. They were gone without a trace, surely a normal person would have red eyes or something? Kakashi was starting to suspect Gai was a better actor than he had given him credit for.

Anyway, it was creepy, and if Gai was expecting a change of mind or an emotional goodbye, he was sorely mistaken. Kakashi was about to say just that when Gai held out two books to him.

"Here, you should read them before your memory returns, that way you can experience them for the first time again."

Kakashi snatched the two slim volumes out of his hand. It was a nice gesture, but then, Gai was probably trying to earn points.

"Thanks," he said, and watched Gai deflate a little more at his icy tone.

But, of course, that still wasn't enough to get Gai to shut up and leave. He regrouped, straightening and puffing out his chest.

"Kakashi, if you need anything," Gai announced, "if there's anything I can do for you, all you need to do is call, and I'll come running. I promise!"

"Huh, like you did this morning? I think I'll pass."

Gai looked as if he'd been slapped in the face. He swallowed.

"I'll stay at Lee's place, that's—"

"I don't care, Gai. Just go." Kakashi would have pointed at the door if he hadn't deemed it too much effort. Instead, he opened Icha Icha Violence and started reading.

He barely even heard the click of the door when Gai left.

* * *

"Your memories should be coming back." Tsunade-sama leaned closer, staring at his forehead, as if, if she just looked hard enough, she could look right through it to see the state of his mind for herself. "I'm almost a hundred percent certain that your amnesia is caused by several blocks in the chakra flow to your brain."

"Almost?" He didn't like the way she waved him off. Very flaky. And the thing she'd kicked under the exam table when he entered the room had looked suspiciously like a saké bottle.

"I could get a Hyuuga to take a closer look at you if you want," she offered without much conviction. "But your memories are already coming back, aren't they?"

Kakashi nodded. "I remember some things from my past… Some…scenes from the war." It wasn't his favorite topic; he didn't want to even think about his memories – his father, Obito and Rin, Sensei. It hurt. If Gai had warned him at least—

He could see understanding dawning in Tsunade's hazel eyes. She narrowed them at him as if he was the offender, but the sharpness of her voice was not directed at him. "Traumatic events," she said, "he used those memories to create an opening for his attack?"

"Yes."

She took a deep breath, considering. He watched the lines in her face melt away as she came to her conclusion. When she looked into his eye again, the tension seemed to have left her body.

"I think that just proves my point," she said, "the blocks will dissolve with time, Kakashi. You're going to be okay."

He sighed, not entirely convinced. "Well, I hope so."

"Come back in two days, then we'll see how much progress you've made." Tsunade shot him another supposedly encouraging look before getting up and heading for the door.

He trailed after her, unsure what he'd do with the time she'd given him. In a way, he realized, he'd almost have preferred staying at the hospital, but then, who knew what memories would resurface next? Maybe it would be better to suffer through them in the privacy of his own home.

Tsunade was waiting by the sliding door, arms folded, head cocked.

"And, Kakashi?" she said as he pulled the door open. "I don't usually get involved in the private affairs of my subordinates, but, just in case some memories return sooner than others, the Yamanaka Flower Shop is two streets from here. Take two lefts; it's near the barbecue place, you can't miss it. I hear flowers are good for apologies."

* * *

He still felt the sting of that remark when he was standing outside the hospital, surrounded by the usual bustle of Konoha's streets. It was like Gai to blab to everyone. He was a loudmouth, Kakashi decided. Self-important and overly dramatic.

"_I'm Konoha's mighty Green Beast, Maito Gai!"_

_Kakashi stops and stares at the abomination in front of him for about half a second, then he walks on, giving the other boy a wide berth. But the kid – and they are all just kids, although they are all older than him; they just don't understand anything – doesn't get the message; he walks faster, trying to catch up to Kakashi, not shutting up._

"_Hey, you're in my class! You scored highest in the entry test! I want to –"_

_The words are whipped away by the wind as Kakashi breaks into a run, painfully aware of the freak of nature chasing after him. _

* * *

Kakashi made it home to his apartment just barely. His head hurt; his vision was blurry. He felt like he had been on the wrong end of a severe beating.

All he could manage was to drag himself into the bedroom, where he flopped down on the bed, groaning.

* * *

"_-test my ability—"_

_If that one is fast enough to catch up to him long enough for Kakashi to actually have to listen to three words out of his mouth, then that can only mean one thing: Kakashi has to train harder, so he can run faster._

_Because spending even just a few seconds in that kid's company is the last thing he wants to do._

* * *

_At least_, Kakashi thought, curling in on himself, _I managed to finish my books in time._

* * *

"-_-in a fight against you, Hatake Kakashi!"_

_Maybe running was the wrong approach. This time, Kakashi is sitting completely still at his desk in the classroom. He does not look up from his textbook. If he pretends Gai – and he is somewhat annoyed that he knows that kid's name, but it's quite hard not to, what with Sensei constantly screaming it at the top of his lungs – anyway, if he pretends Gai doesn't exist, maybe he'll go away. _

* * *

"You were an annoying little pest, weren't you, Gai-kun?" Kakashi remarked to no one in particular. He lay in bed, fragments of his past surfacing in his mind like air bubbles. The process was more distracting than painful now, not as horrible as he had feared, as it had been before.

There was some pain, yes, when he watched his Genin team disintegrate, when he had to stop Sasuke from killing Naruto and later Sakura.

_I failed you guys, didn't I? _

He wished the memories would come back in chronological order, but apparently that wasn't how such things worked. But, in almost all of them, Gai was there. A constant. And in his memories, his feelings for Gai changed, they jumped back and forth, but they were always complicated.

* * *

"_Go away." Kakashi says, not turning around, not wiping at his eyes. Only Gai would think it was okay to ambush someone at the cemetery. Not that Kakashi is grieving. This isn't grief; you can't grieve for somebody you hate. He is angry, determined. _

"_I heard about your father," Gai says far too loudly, drawing the attention of an elderly lady a few meters from them. She glares at Gai for a moment before her eyes land on Kakashi, then she quickly looks away._

_Who hasn't heard? Everyone knows. Everybody is talking about it, staring at Kakashi, whispering behind his back. _

_Kakashi doesn't say anything; he's waiting for Gai to leave, although he knows that won't happen. Gai is too thick to take the hint._

"_My father's dead, too!" Gai announces like it's a deeply meaningful observation on his part. Kakashi feels the strong urge to punch the other boy in the face, but he'd probably take it as a challenge. _

"_You're not like me. You'll never be like me. You're nothing," he says instead, his eyes still on his father's headstone. He isn't even really angry at Gai; Gai doesn't count. He is nothing but noise and movement; just another meaningless creature that takes up space. "Go away, dropout."_

_He hears the sharp intake of breath behind him. Gai is shocked. This is the first time Kakashi has used his derogatory nickname. All the other kids at the academy call him that, just like they call the Uchiha boy a crybaby, but Kakashi doesn't. He never took part in any of those childish activities because they were beneath him. _

_Until now._

Go away,_ he thinks, _leave me alone! Are you really this stupid?

_But Gai is still standing right behind him. Kakashi can hear him breathe agitatedly. Any second now, Gai is going to yell something ridiculous; he knows that, and, sadly, he isn't wrong._

"_Hatake Kakashi, you are my rival!" comes Gai's booming voice, but there's a tremor in it – anger and defiance. "I'll catch up to you; I'll surpass you and then you'll look at me!" He pauses, Kakashi pointedly does not turn around, pretends that Gai doesn't exist. _

"_I'll make you look at me," spoken much more softly, and for a moment Kakashi isn't even sure Gai said it, that it was actually said, maybe he just imagined it; here at the cemetery in front of his father's grave. Alone. Empty._

* * *

"_I can't believe he left me for a mission," Kakashi groans. He lets himself sink deeper into the worn upholstery of Tenzou's old mud brown couch, and looks around for more much needed comfort, the liquid kind. _

"_I was a much happier person before I learned of the true nature of your relationship with Gai-san," Tenzou sighs as he enters his living room, offensively not bringing any bottles of alcohol with him. Then, "Wait, he left you for a mission?"_

_Kakashi doesn't reply to that last question. The memory smarts like a bruise when prodded, better to leave it alone. Instead he mulls over Tenzou's earlier claim. "Hmmm, when was that? I don't recall you ever being all that happy, Tenzou-kun…You should loosen up a little," he drawls, and grabs his kohai's sleeve to pull him down onto the couch, very nearly into his lap._

"_I think you're loose enough for the both of us, sempai." _Peeved Tenzou is very sexy_, Kakashi thinks, _and he's always a little peeved._ "You're certainly drunk enough," Tenzou criticizes._

_Kakashi ignores him. There's something else gnawing at his attention. What Tenzou said earlier. "Wait a moment, does that mean my dating Gai made you unhappy? Why, Tenzou-kun, am I to understand that you were jealous of Gai?" The last part he breathes into the shell of Tenzou's ear, which pinkens deliciously. _

_Tenzou shoves him away._

He can be such a tsundere, _Kakashi thinks fondly, _he'd have made an interesting character for Icha Icha. The cute but constantly annoyed little kohai, doesn't know if he wants to keep you on the straight and narrow or fulfill your every wish.

"_Whatever you're thinking, stop thinking it," Tenzou folds his arms and glares, he seems more exasperated than angry, though. "I am not going to be your little comfort fling to mend your ego."_

"_Why not?" Kakashi asks, mock hurt. He pokes Tenzou's shoulder playfully. "Admit it, you've always dreamed about ending up with me."_

_Tenzou bats his hand away. The sofa squeaks in protest as he leans to the left, out of Kakashi's reach. _

"_I have, and I woke up screaming every time," he says. "You're a horrible boyfriend, sempai. It's a miracle Gai-san stayed with you as long as he did." _

_Clearly, Tenzou is in lecture mode. Kakashi feels like pouting. What has he done to deserve this much coldness? He wants to ask just that, but Tenzou is pausing, head cocked in thought. Kakashi watches his kohai stroke his chin pensively.  
_

"_Although I never quite understood what you see in him, either," Tenzou adds, and Kakashi almost laughs out loud; it's so typical – Tenzou cannot pass up an opportunity to take a crack at Gai. Maybe he really is jealous. That's quite the flattering thought. _

_However, there is only one person in this room who is allowed to talk smack about Gai, and that is Kakashi himself. At the top of his head, he can think of a hundred things he sees in Gai – but most of them are painfully sappy. That won't do._

"_Hmmmm, where to begin?" he asks, drawing out each vowel to buy time. He's thinking about Gai's smile, his bravery, his loyalty, but nope, he needs something more appropriate for this occasion. "Well, for one, there's that thing he can do in bed, where he—" _

"_Stop!" Tenzou is positively shrieking. "I might have to work with Gai-san in the future and I'm sure I don't want whatever you're going to say next on my mind every time I look at him."_

"_I can see how it could be distracting," Kakashi says thoughtfully, not ready to stop teasing his kohai just yet. It's way too much fun. "But it's really a very nice mental image."_

"_Well, that's nice for you because that's all it's going to be from now on, since he's left you, sempai." Tenzou sounds disturbingly smug about it, too. Still, he's wrong._

"_Hm? No, he's coming back in four months," Kakashi says it as if he expected his kohai to be aware of that fact. It earns him a disbelieving stare. _

"_I thought you had broken up?" Tenzou's eyebrow twitches like it always does when he's annoyed. Kakashi has been the cause of those twitches more often than he can count. He sees them as a sort of badge of achievement. Also, they're kind of cute._

"_No, he just volunteered for a four months long mission in the Land of Wind," he says, feigning obliviousness. Truth be told, thinking about the way Gai happily announced the news to him still hurts. _

"_What? Then why are you here, shamelessly hitting on me, sempai?!"_

That is the question, isn't it_? Kakashi looks at Tenzou, who is staring at him, his dark almond eyes narrowed in annoyance. _

"He volunteered to go away for four months," _Kakashi says very slowly, emphasis on every single word. _

_Tenzou just raises one eyebrow._

"_What did you do?" he asks, as if the natural conclusion is that, somehow, Kakashi must have been at fault._

"_Nothing. Everything was going great; that's why he thought he needed to get away. To challenge himself to spend months without his most beloved person." Kakashi tries to say it the way Gai did, gravely, but he can hear the bitterness in his own voice. He doesn't even know why he's bitter. This is just Gai being Gai. It's probably a compliment in a weird way, the fact that Gai considers being away from him a test of his will and strength. _

"_Poor Kakashi-sempai, I can see why your heart is broken."And there is the sarcasm, not to mention that Tenzou is biting back laughter. The smirk he doesn't even bother to suppress. _

"_You're laughing at me now?" Kakashi clutches at his chest, mortally wounded. _You teach him how to be a respectable ANBU captain, and this is his thanks?_ "After all I've done for you? I'm disappointed in you, Tenzou-kun."_

"_If you date a crazy person, you can't complain about them doing crazy things, sempai."_

"_He's not crazy," Kakashi says, and he hates that he sounds almost sober, saying that. Gai's sanity is more or less a secret; it's not something he discusses with other people. Like their relationship. _

_Deep down inside, Kakashi gets it – and that only makes it hurt more. Gai is making a point. _We're going to have to be able to live without each other_, but Kakashi already knew that, thank you very much. Their life isn't Icha Icha. There's not going to be a happily ever after. _

"_Saké," he says to Tenzou who wrinkles his nose, ready to protest, but Kakashi is not having it, not tonight. "I know you're hiding it _somewhere_, come on, Tenzou, be a good kohai and share with your sempai."_

One hundred and twenty-one days to go_._

* * *

Kakashi rolled over in bed, grabbing Gai's pillow and curling around it. It smelled like him, faintly. He pressed his nose into the fabric and hated himself. And Gai.

"You bastard." The words barely made it out of his mouth, only to be muffled by the pillow.

He missed Gai so much; it felt like someone had carved a chunk right out of his body. The memory had slotted itself into his brain with its jagged edges, but it lacked actual context. There was a big gap between Gai, the tiny, tireless nuisance, and Gai the absent boyfriend.

Kakashi sighed. He wanted nothing more than to get up and go find Gai, wherever he was, although he had no idea what he wanted to do with him when he found him.

But he didn't.

Instead he curled up more tightly around the pillow and braced himself for whatever else was going to come.


End file.
